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#1

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:38 AM

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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding....

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see..
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don 't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Darryn, oleandero, Ahgong, Mercs, Nicfoo, Fu11thr0tt1e, Spring, 3 other members and 2 Anonymous members praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#2

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:39 AM

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A sailor met a pirate, and they started to talk about their adventures at sea. The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and a eye patch. The sailor asked,

"So, tell me, how did you end up with the peg leg?

The pirate replies,

"We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of
sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" exclaimed the sailor. "How did you get that hook?"

"Well," replies the pirate, "we boarded an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand."

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "So, how did you get the eye patch then?"

"A seagull 'dropping' fell into my eye," replies the pirate.

"What?! You lost your eye to a seagull 'dropping'?" the sailor asked in surprise. "How?"

"Well... says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Mercs, Spring and 2 Anonymous members praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#3

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:39 AM

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After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the
obstetrician Dr. Cohen.

"Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"

"There you have it!" the doctor Cohen said confidently. "It's just rust."

Mercs, Spring, Vratenza and 2 Anonymous members praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#4

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:39 AM

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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

Mercs, Spring and 1 Anonymous member praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#5

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:40 AM

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour if it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband will still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her Husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

Mercs, Spring, Andyngps and 1 Anonymous member praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#6

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:40 AM

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"Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul..." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Another brief pause then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 6466-8731?"

Mercs, Spring and 1 Anonymous member praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#7

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:40 AM

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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday..."

Mercs, Spring and 1 Anonymous member praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#8

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:41 AM

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Ever wonder,

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Mercs, Spring and 1 Anonymous member praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#9

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:41 AM

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's . The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next."

revamp, Mercs and Spring praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#10

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:42 AM

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A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.

Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

Mercs, Spring and 1 Anonymous member praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#11

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:42 AM

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AH BENG LOOKING FOR WIFE

This is a story about Ahbeng in search of a wife with the help of his mother, Ahkew.
One day Ahbeng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and introduce to Ahbeng.

The 3 pretty girls name and occupation :
1.) Ahuey - Telephonist
2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher
3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor

Ahbeng very sexcited lar of course then.

After a while of chatting with the girls his mother asked him.

Ahkew : Ahbeng, how ? Which one you like the most ?
Ahbeng : I like Ahlian the most

Ahkew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ahmoi not bad leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna goto skool also easy
Ahbeng : Ahmah dunwan laaa!!

Ahkew : Why dunwan?
Ahbeng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say " PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE!" Like this very tiring everynite I can die one ahmah!

Ahkew : aiyoo!!! then Ahuey lar! at least she is better than Ahlian
Ahbeng : Dunwan also! ahmah, she is telephonist la! they love to say " WAIT A MINIT! PLEASE HOLD ON!" dem potong stim lidat ahmah where got mood to make baby la?

Ahkew : Aiyoyo!!! then what u like about Ahlian so much? bus conductor only wor!!! Where got future one ?
Ahbeng : Ahmah you dunno wan la ... I always take mini bus to KL, those women bus conductor always say "BANG! MASUK BELAKANG!!! MASUK DALAM SIKIT!!! DALAM ADA TEMPAT!!! MASUK MASUK!!! " (in yingrish it means "go in behind, go deep inside! go deeper some more! inside still got place!! deeper! deeper!!!) everytime they say lidat i also very sexcited one !!!!

Mercs, Spring and 1 Anonymous member praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#12

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:43 AM

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A soldier was running down the road, and came to a fork in the road, where he saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed. Just a moment later, two Military Policemen came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think I'm rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either.

Mercs and Spring praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#13

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:43 AM

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An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where in
the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates", he said
proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his privates?"

"Well", said the accountant, "one, I like to watch my money grow; two,
once in awhile I like to play with my money; three, I like how money
feels in my hand; and four - instead of you going out shopping on the
weekend, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks
anytime you want."

Mercs praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#14

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:44 AM

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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there
was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the
president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady,

"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."


Mercs praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#15

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:44 AM

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A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife
Tigershark1976, Mercs and Spring praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#16

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:45 AM

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A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*.

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "*Anything*??"

"*Anything*."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

Mercs praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#17

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:45 AM

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A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.''

Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
Little Johnny: ''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on.....but I like your thinking.'

Mercs praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#18

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:45 AM

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Youngest Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between " Potentially"
and "In reality"
Dad: I will show you
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for
1 million dollars ?
Wife: Yes of course, I would never waste such an opportunity !
Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million
dollars?
Daughter: Waow ! Yes !! This is my fantasy!
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise
for 1 million dollars ?
Elder Son: Yeah, Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I
would never hesitate!
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son,
"Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars; but "In reality" we are
living with 2 bitches and 1 gay !!

Mercs praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#19

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:46 AM

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A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender who immediately comes over
to her.
When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face
closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his
full beard, "Are you the manager? "she asks softly stroking his
face with both hands.
"Actually, no..." the bartender replies.
"Can you get him for me? "she asks, "I need to speak with him
,"she says running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender "Is there anything
I can do???"
"Yes, there is, I need you to give him a message" she continued
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to gently suck them.
"What should I tell him?" he manages to say while not missing a
finger "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or
hand soap in the ladies room!!"

Mercs praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

#20

Posted 08 January 2011 - 09:46 AM

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A Sex Proposal



Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The b------d used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Mercs praised this
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.


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