Sharing of Good Jokes

[Byteslurve]

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

 

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

 

The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

[Byteslurve]

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

 

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

 

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

 

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

 

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

 

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

 

"Yes," the other bat answers.

 

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't.

[Byteslurve]

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

 

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

 

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

[Byteslurve]

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

 

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

 

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

 

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

 

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

[Byteslurve]

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

 

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

 

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

 

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

 

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

 

"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

 

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

 

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

 

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

 

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

[Byteslurve]

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

 

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

 

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

 

He replied, "It's the plumber."

 

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

 

He said, "It's the plumber!"

 

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

 

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

 

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

 

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

[Byteslurve]

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

 

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

 

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

 

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

 

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

 

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

[Byteslurve]

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

 

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

 

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Edited May 20, 2013 by Byteslurve

[Gitanic]

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

 

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

 

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

[Fireball0088]

At the Dentist

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to take care of her teeth, he was startled.

"Excuse me, Miss, those are my testicles that you are holding."

 

"I know," answered the patient.

 

"We two should be very careful not to hurt each other, ..... Agree?"

 

 

 

[Fireball0088]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on

salesmanship .

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said,

"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny 's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box

full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny .

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny ,

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop !" Then I would say, "It is dog poop . Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

 

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

 

 

[Fireball0088]

Mother was out, and dad was in charge.

She was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea',

which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Mum waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know),

"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

 

 

[Mysportwish]

lovely jokes

[Fireball0088]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to

her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a

conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total

stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no

Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a

question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but

a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks

about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified

to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after

death, when you don't know s--t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

 

 

[Fireball0088]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of the animal one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away.

He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away,

turn right,

then left, past the bridge,

then right again

and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes",

the wife answers,

"why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered,

"Put the little b------d on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

 

 

[Fireball0088]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,'

the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,'

the doctor said... 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors

may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,'

the man insisted.

'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

"Well, said the doctor,

"let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???"

The man seemed a bit ashamed..

'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!'

The doctor said confidently....

"It's Rust."

 

 

 

[Fireball0088]

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.

They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.

The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man's leg.

As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and

pulled out a dogie treat and started waving it at the dog.

A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked.

He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly

reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied

"Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his freaking' ass."

 

 

[Fireball0088]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home,

he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife

and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

 

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

 

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

 

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

 

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough

where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.