Sharing of Good Jokes

[Freeder]

Even the church do have a sense of humor..

[AltisOwner]

some jokes.............

[AltisOwner]

Just have a good laugh......

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Priest and Customs

In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying.

This is a perfect example of this teaching: Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'

'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women,
but which, to date, remains unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!’

 

 

[AltisOwner]

New words to master

*Errorist* : Someone who repeatedly makes mistakes.

*Askhole* : A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you tell them.

*Ambitchous* : Striving to be more of a bitch than the average bitch.

*Dudevorce* : When two male best friends officially end their friendship over a lame disagreement, usually concerning a girl.

*Nonversation* : A completely worthless conversation, wherein nothing is illuminated, explained or otherwise elaborated upon. Typically occurs at parties, bars or other events .

*Destinesia* : When you get to where you were intending to go, you forget why you were going there in the first place. Not to be confused with being stoned.

*Unkeyboardinated* : Lacking physical or mental keyboard coordination; unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

*Cellfish*: Those who continue to talk on their cell phone, oblivious to the effect on others around them.

*Textpectation* :The anticipation one feels when waiting for a response to a text message.

*Carcolepsy*:The inability to stay awake and alert when in a car, or any other thing that moves, such as trains, planes, and buses.

*Hiberdating* : Someone who ignores all their other friends when they are dating a boyfriend/girlfriend.
*Deja poop* : The feeling that the same shit keeps happening

 

 

[zipping]

Saw quite a few 費玉清 笑話 on HWZ, and really had a good laugh..

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XfCa2E8ky0

[Atrecord]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

 

I was a very happy man.

 

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

 

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister. 

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

 

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

 

It had to be deliberate.

 

Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

 

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

 

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

 

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

 

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

 

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' 

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car !

[AltisOwner]

Of bull and cows

A wife & husband visited a farm, they saw a bull having sex with a cow the wife ask the farm manager.

Wife: how many times does a bull have sex per day?
Manager: 6 times a day.
Wife: looks at her husband and says .....you see!

Then the husband ask the manager
Husband: u mean 6 times a day with the same cow?
Manager: no no with different cows everyday.
Husband: looks to his wife and says ....you see!

[AltisOwner]

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the
golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,
"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

[AltisOwner]

Impossible to Please....

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

 

[AltisOwner]

VIBRATOR

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.

The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."

The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"

===================================================================================


CONDOMS

There was a lady who worked in an all night drugstore.

On a Friday she started working at about 8 pm so she would be
there all night.

At about 11 p.m. a mature man comes in and asks for some condoms.

The clerk asks "What size will you be needing?"

The man says, "Size? Guess it's been a while -- hell I don't know"

Clerk says, "Well whip it out on the counter here and let's take a
look."

So the man whips it out on the counter -- the clerk gives it a few
strokes -- then over the intercom the clerk announces, "size medium
condoms to aisle 6."

The man pays for his purchase and he is off.

Around midnight another gentleman comes in and he is also wanting
condoms. The clerk asks him, "Well what size will you be needing?"

The gentleman says "Actually I have never purchased any before -- I
have no idea."

The clerk says, "Well whip it out on the counter here and let's take
a look."

So the gentleman whips it out on the counter, the clerk gives it a few
rubs, and announces over the intercom -- "Size large condoms to aisle 6."

The gentleman pays for his purchase and leaves.

A little later on a young fella about 17 comes in and very shy-like
asks for some condoms. The clerk asks him "Well what size are you
needing sonny?"

Of course the boy is quite embarrassed and blurts out "Oh my God -- size???"

The clerk says, "Whip it out on the counter here sonny and we will take a look."

Shy but willing -- the boy whips it out on the counter -- the clerk gives it a
few rubs and then announces on the intercom, "Clean up on aisle 6."

[AltisOwner]

GRANDPA'S VIAGRA

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law.

Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he
could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very
strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank.
He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I
told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

[lausai88]

[Uncle2]

GOD asks Samy Vellu. "Now that you are old, you have to choose either Parkinson's disease or Alzheimer's as punishment for your karma in this life."

 

Samy goes to Mahathir, who advises him to choose Parkinson and says, *"Its better to spill half glass of whiskey than to forget where the bottles are kept."*

 

[QQ2017]

 

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. 

 

So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

 

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

 

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”    

 

[Freeder]

So apt.....

[Datsun366]

So this guy went on a public forum... 

 

I have canes at the ready at home. but only for threatening purposes

haha...

 

bro you power la... haha

 

Idiot proof of the charge of assault and battery. 

[kdash]

So this guy went on a public forum... 

 

I have canes at the ready at home. but only for threatening purposes

haha...

 

bro you power la... haha

 

Idiot proof of the charge of assault and battery. 

 

sorry i dont understand what you mean??