Sharing of Good Jokes

[Byteslurve]

A young couple had to go to a party one evening and they couldn't find a babysitter in due time so they tucked their son in and they put a story on the record player for him to listen while they were gone.

 

They left the house feeling their son was in "good hands" and they headed for the party. When returning home they rapidly sensed things weren't as good as they expected them to be.

 

They went upstairs to check if their son was alright...but when reaching the top they heard a distinct bang on the bedroom walls...They entered the child's room and heard him saying over and over again:

"YES I DO!...YES I DO!...YES I DO!"

 

All this time the poor kid was hitting his head against the wall as the record kept on playing: "Kids, do u wanna hear a story?...Kids, do u wanna hear a story?... Kids, do u wanna hear a story?"

 

[Byteslurve]

Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

 

Dad: Sure son, what's the question?

 

Son: What is politics?

 

Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Understand?

 

Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.

 

That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.

 

The next morning...

 

Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.

 

Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

 

Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of s--t

 

 

[Byteslurve]

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much

 

would your father still have?

 

Ted: $10.

 

Teacher: You don't know maths.

 

Ted: You don't know my father!

 

[Byteslurve]

Little johnny boards his school bus and sits right behind the driver. He starts to sing a weird song:

 

"Had my dad been a dog, my mom been a bitch; I'd have been a puppy".

"Had my dad been a horse, my mom been a mare; I'd have been a colt".

"Had my dad been a tiger, my mom been a tigress; I'd have been a cub"

.......... and so on.

 

The driver who is constantly getting irritated by his dumb song asks him:

"What if your dad had been a gay and your mom had been a lesbian?"

 

Little johnny replies: "Well then, I would have been a bus-driver".

 

[Byteslurve]

Old people used to annoy me at weddings by pinching my cheeks and saying "you are next".

 

They quit years later when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

 

[Byteslurve]

There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..." until a blonde came up to her and said, "that looks like fun, can I try?"

The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."

"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street".

The blonde said "OK" and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened.

Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."

 

 

[Byteslurve]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

 

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

 

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

 

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

 

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

 

 

[Byteslurve]

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

 

About 90 students raise their hands.

 

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

 

About 40 students raise their hands.

 

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

 

About 15 students raise their hands.

 

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

 

3 students raise their hands.

 

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

 

Way in the back, Billy Ray raises! his hand.

 

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

 

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

 

Billy Ray replied, "Ghossst????....Shiiiiit!...From way back there I thought you said,"Goats!"

 

 

[Byteslurve]

A blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learned how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! That's good, isn't it?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blond?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learned the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me:

A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! That's good, isn't it?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

"Yes darling it's because you're blond."

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"

She proceeds to flash her impressive hooters at her mum. "Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

Her mother replied "No darling, it's because you're 25.

 

[Byteslurve]

It is good to be a woman:

 

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

 

[Byteslurve]

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

 

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

 

"No, mother," you don't understand.

"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

 

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.

"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

 

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

 

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state', so I flew to Alaska!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

 

"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

 

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

 

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

 

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

 

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

 

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

 

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

 

[Byteslurve]

A blonde who is wearing a dress is walking home from school. She comes across a boy sitting up in a tree.

The boy says to do a cartwheel and the girl says no. Then the boy says "I'll give you a cookie."

So the blonde does a cartwheel. When she gets home, her mom asks where she got the cookie from.

The blonde tells her mother about the boy in the tree and the cartwheel.

The mother twills her daughter not to do that anymore. The boy is just trying to see her underwear.

The next day the blonde is wearing a dress again and the boy asks her to do a cartwheel again.

The blonde says no and the boy says "I'll give you a cookie." So the blonde does the cartwheel again.

When the blonde gets home, the mom says "Did you do a cartwheel again."

The blonde says "Yes"

The mom says "Honey I told you not to do that, the boy is just trying to see your underwear."

Then the blonde says "But mom I tricked him,today I didn't wear any underwear!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

 

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"

 

[Byteslurve]

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

 

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

 

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

 

The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning??"

 

[Byteslurve]

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat

taken back by this recent incident.

 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and

burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

 

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels and a K-9 unit patrolling

nearby was the first to respond. The K-9 officer approached the house with his dog

on a tight leash.

 

The woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,

then sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and moaned....

 

"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what

do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

 

 

[Byteslurve]

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend for a bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

 

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up, having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

 

She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all had white knuckles.

The brunette says, "What's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

 

One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

 

 

[Byteslurve]

Why was the blonde looking in the refrigerator?

Because The orange juice said concentrate

 

What do you get if one blonde blows into another blondes ear?"

Data transfer!"

 

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

 

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?

It has a stamp on it.

 

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell she's got a grenade in her mouth.

 

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

 

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A wind tunnel.

 

How did the blonde try to kill her bird?

She threw it off a cliff

 

what does the blonde do when she sees her reflection in a mirror?

starts a conversation!

 

What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?

Artificial Intelligence!