“WHAT’S A GOOD USERNAME?!”

Such was the source of my agony as I was handed a pair of figurative keys to MyAutoBlog. I’d asked the colleague from IT who was helping me set up this account if I really had to make an account with my work email, hoping I could use the username that came with my personal MCF account instead.

“yes”, in lowercase no less, was what I got. Oh well.

After a good 10 minutes (I think), I decided on this username (a reference I hope someone gets), juvenile and edgy as it may seem. I’m not content with my choice though. As I looked over at my Spotify immediately after I logged in to this account, I saw a username idea I liked more (“hypochondriac” - the title of one of my favourite albums which I hold dear), and as I begin writing this post another has surfaced in my mind (“textonlyyapper” - see the length of this post versus my bumbling self in person down below).

It occurs to me I never formally introduced myself. Hello everyone, I’m Wei Feng. I started out in Sgcarmart doing video work, but I’ve always wanted to try my hand at writing professionally at some point in my life, having grown up reading various traditional publications like the usual broadsheets and magazines.

A blast from the past, even for me (born in 1999).

I had aspirations of becoming a tech journalist in primary school due to the now-defunct Digital Life weekly supplement bundled with The Straits Times on Wednesdays, and tech magazines like the-also-now-defunct Stuff Singapore and HardwareMAG (HWM, whose parent group HardwareZone should be a familiar online presence). Unfortunately, my journalism modules in polytechnic scared me off the job for a while. Also, I presumed it would be hard to get into the tech side without either knowing the right people (sigh) or making the rounds in boring departments first (Finance? Ew.).

Bummer of a self-intro aside, I also started learning video editing and music production in secondary school, though it’s obvious which prevailed as a career. Nevertheless, the act of creation in various mediums has been a recurring desire in my life, and thus on top of my current job scope, part-time university and hobbies, I asked my superiors on multiple occasions for the opportunity to write.

Hopefully, this not only scratches my itch to write, but also does my career trajectory some good.

THE PERPETUAL CONTENT CREATION MACHINE

With every piece of work, I strive to leave a positive impact. By positive, I don’t necessarily mean a favourable or pleasant impression, but primarily a sense of authenticity and intention. If my intention in creating something, struggles and all, gets across to its recipient and inspires them to make their own thing -  that’s the sort of legacy I want to have.

While there’s not much in the way of authenticity when it comes to the business of product reviews, I can at least forge my identity as a creator by using each video (or any creative work really) as an opportunity to try untested ideas, refine existing skill sets and occasionally stumble upon magic. It’s this sense of intention perhaps that may have helped me convert from being an intern to a full-time video editor here, and what made choosing this username so difficult.

Lately, however, I feel like I’ve had to compromise on this ideal.

I've sometimes struggled to find meaning in my work in recent months. As the work piles up, money comes flowing in (a little into my pockets of course), but out goes the time to explore new possibilities that could elevate the work further, and time to reflect on the results before moving on to the next project. Statistically speaking I’m doing fine (as my direct manager JayJay has told me a couple of times), but I cannot claim to feel the same way, not when existential dread fills my body lamenting my inability to strive for greater things.

To be clear, Greek philosophy was not where I drew my username from. I am not cultured in that way.

Perhaps that’s why my mind wandered to my username. “Ataraxia” is a term commonly found in Ancient Greek philosophies like Epicureanism and Stoicism that can be translated as “tranquillity”. A “hollow ataraxia” therefore could be construed as a false or meaningless peace, an apt description for my current predicament. One that leads to all sorts of thoughts surfacing.

DOES ANY OF THIS MATTER?

Plenty of literature out there grapple with ways of finding purpose or meaning in our lives, and I’d say I found mine back when I messed around with iMovie and GarageBand in secondary school. Life ever since has been a struggle to reconcile my ideals of creating what I want for a living with the reality that creative work isn’t viewed as having intrinsic value unless it provides some material value. In this age, it is content to be consumed in a moment and forgotten once the value has been delivered.

I hate the use of that word. The idea that creative work gets diminished in such a merciless manner leaves me wondering what went wrong. Putting my frail state of mind aside, could you bear to say that the creators whose works inspire you are just making content? All your musical heroes and idols, the YouTubers who showed you all sorts of things, or the authors who shaped your worldviews? Or am I just deluded for wanting to pass on all these blessings I’ve received in kind?

There are no answers for those. Best I can do is settle for now, in this endeavour to die or create.

~ Wei Feng

Cover image: Album art for "hypochondriac" by brakence via Rate Your Music

Images from: Pastamania (Singapore) via Facebook, The True Aesthete