Monday blues?? ( some jokes)

[Wish1719]

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"

 

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.

 

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot."

 

The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."

 

"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"

 

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside."

 

Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

[Wish1719]

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

To smoke some marijuana

Jack got high and pulled down his fly

And said "do you wanna?"

Jill said yes and pulled up her dress

And then they had some fun

But silly Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son

[Wish1719]

A Man walks home from a long day at work only to get hit in the head with a frying pan by his wife.

 

In a Few hours, the man comes to, and he asks his wife, "What the f*ck was that all about?!"

 

His wife says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket that said Debbie with a phone number!"

 

The man explains" honey, that was my racehorse, Debbie! I went to the track yesterday and bet on her!"

 

The man's wife apologizes sincerely.

 

The next day, the man comes home from work to get a lamp broken on his head.

 

He says "what the f*ck was that for?!"

 

His wife says, "Your racehorse called!!!!!"

[Chickenfarm]

An elementary school science teacher asked her class one day, "Class; have you seen picture of a human heart?"

 

One little boy "Yes", but Sally, realizing she hasn't seen one, said, "No, teacher, can you show us?" The teacher showed them the pivture of a human heart.

 

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, heart shld have legs"

 

The teacher replied, "No Johnny, you're wrong, heart have no legs."

 

"ok, teacher, I have a story for you," boasted Johnny. "last night I was passing by my parent's bedroom when i heart my dad said to my mum, "Sweet Heart!!! Open your legs..."

[Wish1719]

A cop was staked out in front of a bar. He had a bad day and was in the mood to ruin somebody's good time. About 15 minutes before closing time, he saw a gentleman stagger out of the bar and lean against the wall for a minute, obviously too drunk to even get to his car. The Cop thought, "This is the one I want. As soon as this guy gets behind the wheel of his car, I'm gonna ruin his day."

 

To the cop's dismay, the guy just sank to the ground, trying to catch his breath. "That's O.K., I'm patient. As soon as he gets in the car, he's mine..."

 

During the wait, all the other people exited the bar, got in their cars, and drove away. By now, the cop wanted this one guy bad for making him wait.

 

The lights in the bar went out. The guy finally got up, walked slowly to his car, and got in. The Cop immediately hit his lights and pulled the poor guy out into the street.

 

"I know an alcoholic when I see one," The cop said. "Take this breathalizer test and I'll get you to a nice cold cell to spend the night".

 

The guy took the test. The Cop read the meter.

 

Blood Alcohol Level ----- 0.00

 

The cop stared at the results. "That's impossible!!! Do it again !!!"

 

Blood Alcohol Level ----- 0.00

 

"I can't believe it!!!" the cop yelled, "How did you do that???"

 

The gentleman responded, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy"......

[Wish1719]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Hey, bartender, I'll bet you fifteen bucks I can bite my eye."

 

The bartender says, "You're on."

 

So the man pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

 

Then, the man says, "I'll bet you twenty-five bucks I can bite my other eye."

 

The bartender thinks, There is no way this guy has two glass eyes. So he says to the man, "Ok, you're on."

 

So, the man pulls out his dentures and bites his eye with them.

 

The bartender says, "Man, you're good."

 

Three hours later, the man comes back and says, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. See that shot glass on the other end of the bar? I'll bet you a hundred fifty bucks I can piss in it from here and not miss a drop."

 

The bartenter says, "Ok".

 

So, the man unzips his pants starts peeing, and there's pee flying everywhere. None of it goes in the glass. The bartender is all happy and says, "You owe me a hundred and fifty bucks!"

 

The man says, "Ok, but see that man over there? I bet him $350 that I would piss all over your bar and you'd be happy."

[Wish1719]

There were three guys who were late to class. The first guy came in and said, "Sorry I

[Wish1719]

Four guys were at a bar. They all start talking to each other about their sons.

 

One guy said, "I am so happy. My son is a big success. He works for Microsoft and makes a LOT of money. He is so succesful, he just bought his girlfriend a new car"!

 

The second guy said, "Same here. My son is so successful, too. He works for a car dealership and makes a LOT of money, too. He even makes so much money, he just bought his girlfriend a new house."

 

The third guy said, "I know what you are talking about. My son is like that too-- only he just gave his girlfriend 1 million dollars!"

 

The fourth guy stepped up to them, looking really sad. He said, "I can't believe it! I don't know what went wrong! My son is a failure. He's a Janitor! Listen to this. He's even GAY! The only good part about it is that his boyfriends just got him a new house, a new car, and gave him a million dollars!"

[Maxus-MIFA9]

 

 

[Wish1719]

Marvin was a 14-handicapper, but one day he walked up to his club pro, a scratch golfer, and challenged him to a match. He proposed they put up $100 each on the outcome.

 

"But," Marvin said to the pro, "since you're so much better than me, you have to give me two 'gotchas'."

 

"A 'gotcha'?" the golf pro asked, "what's that?"

 

"Don't worry," Marvin replied, "I'll use one of my 'gotchas' on the first tee and you'll understand."

 

The golf pro figured that whatever 'gotchas' were, giving up only two of them was no big deal - especially if one had to be used on the first tee. So he agreed to the bet, and the pro and Marvin headed to the first tee to start their match.

 

Around four hours later, club members were amazed to see the pro handing Marvin $100. The pro had lost to Marvin!

 

The club members waited for the pro to enter the clubhouse, then asked him what happened.

 

"Well," the pro said, "I took the club back on the first tee, and as I started my downswing, Marvin knelt behind me, reached up between my legs and grabbed my crotch, and yelled 'Gotcha!' "

 

The club pro just shook his head. "Have you ever tried to play 18 holes waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

[Qpik]

time to try this "Gotcha"

[Chisiang]

try that in a rifle range

[Super410]

[Qpik]

no thank u...wait i become 1 of the spirit wandering there after playing such a prank