Sharing of Good Jokes

[AltisOwner]

 

[AltisOwner]

 

[AltisOwner]

New words to master

*Errorist* : Someone who repeatedly makes mistakes.

*Askhole* : A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you tell them.

*Ambitchous* : Striving to be more of a bitch than the average bitch.

*Dudevorce* : When two male best friends officially end their friendship over a lame disagreement, usually concerning a girl.

*Nonversation* : A completely worthless conversation, wherein nothing is illuminated, explained or otherwise elaborated upon. Typically occurs at parties, bars or other events .

*Destinesia* : When you get to where you were intending to go, you forget why you were going there in the first place. Not to be confused with being stoned.

*Unkeyboardinated* : Lacking physical or mental keyboard coordination; unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

*Cellfish*: Those who continue to talk on their cell phone, oblivious to the effect on others around them.

*Textpectation* :The anticipation one feels when waiting for a response to a text message.

*Carcolepsy*:The inability to stay awake and alert when in a car, or any other thing that moves, such as trains, planes, and buses.

*Hiberdating* : Someone who ignores all their other friends when they are dating a boyfriend/girlfriend.
*Deja poop* : The feeling that the same shit keeps happening

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Heaven?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the Church, would that get me into heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the Church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Once more they all answered, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?” I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, “NO!”

“Well,” I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, “Then how can I get into heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA DIE FIRST!”


_The child was right - you can't fault him for his innocent but truthful answer

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

3 mud PMs

Pak Lah, Tun Mahathir and Najib got arrested for a severe offense in Malaysia, so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Judge announced:

“It’s my wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping..”

Pak Lah was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back..”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & Pak Lah had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

Najib was next up. After watching Pak Lah in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & Najib was also led away whimpering loudly.

Tun M was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Judge turned to him and said:
“You are the most intelligent and smartest man. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your My Lord and Merciful Judge,” Tun M replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Judge said to Tun M with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

“And what is your second wish, ?” the Judge asked.

Tun M smiled
and said,
“Tie Najib to my back” !!!

 

 

 

[Noob79]

 

 

 

[Noob79]

 

3 mud PMs

Pak Lah, Tun Mahathir and Najib got arrested for a severe offense in Malaysia, so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Judge announced:

“It’s my wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping..”

Pak Lah was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back..”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & Pak Lah had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

Najib was next up. After watching Pak Lah in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & Najib was also led away whimpering loudly.

Tun M was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Judge turned to him and said:
“You are the most intelligent and smartest man. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your My Lord and Merciful Judge,” Tun M replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Judge said to Tun M with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

“And what is your second wish, ?” the Judge asked.

Tun M smiled
and said,
“Tie Najib to my back” !!!

 

[AltisOwner]

Good morning :)

 

[AltisOwner]

Bull and Cows

A wife & husband visited a farm, they saw a bull having sex with a cow the wife ask the farm manager.

Wife: how many times does a bull have sex per day?
Manager: 6 times a day.
Wife: looks at her husband and says .....you see!

Then the husband ask the manager
Husband: u mean 6 times a day with the same cow?
Manager: no no with different cows everyday.
Husband: looks to his wife and says ....you see!

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Edited December 6, 2017 by AltisOwner

[AltisOwner]

 

[AltisOwner]

Biblical advice?

A man saw an attractive catholic girl and decided to give her a lift in his car.As the car was moving the man placed his hand on the laps of the girl pretending he was looking for the gear lever.The girl cast a glance at him and said Matthew chapter 7 vs 7".The man quickly removed his hand.


After a short time the man placed his hand again on the laps of the girl.The girl said to him again ;"Matthew 7 vs 7".The man nervously removed his hand.

The girl reached her destination and got off the car, cast another glance at the man and said "So you don't read your Bible!"

When the man got home he opened his Bible to Matthew 7 vs 7 it says "*ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN UNTO U"*.The man shouted;"OH I should read more of the Bible. And repented.(lost opportunity).

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

 

[AltisOwner]

Semantics?

I know it's cheesy, but I feel grate.

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter - none of them work.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

 

 

 

[QQ2017]

[AltisOwner]

Women?

Women are so difficult . Always changing their taste:

At 18, they want handsome men.
At 25, they want matured men.
At 30, they want successful men.
At 40, they want established men.
At 50 ,they want faithful men.

Men are very simple.. Never change their taste...on any changing condition.

At 18, they want pretty young girls.
At 25, they want pretty young girls.
At 30, they want pretty young girls.
At 40, they want pretty young girls.
At 50, they still want pretty young girls

Devoted to all Men .
 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Women II

U CANNOT give a woman everything she needs.

If God Himself gave them eyebrows, they shave and draw their own.

God gave them nails, they cut it off and fixed their own.

God gave them hair, they cut it off and fixed their own, gave them breasts, they repackage to what they want.

God still gave them buttocks ,they rearranged it to what they want.

If even God can't satisfy them, then who are YOU to think that you can please them ?

[AltisOwner]

Fired?

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."
......

I had to let Jack go.

Tough being boss.