Sharing of Good Jokes

[Getzsfv]

[Getzsfv]

very cute doggy

 

[2BDriver]

Having a cold beer on a hot day with a girl friend is nice

Having a hot girl friend on a cold night with few beers is PRICELESS

[DavidOh]

Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant.

 

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

 

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious, "the assistant states," Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

He Needs a Drink

 

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."

[Karu]

[Francis-jack]

A man was sent to serve a jail term for an offence. When he entered his cell, there was another senior cellmate who said to him:

Cellmate: young man, there's no need to despair. Life is great in here! Do you play football?

Man: yeah, I love football.

Cellmate: well, every Monday, we play 7 a side tournaments I here.

Man: that's great!

Cellmate: do you love watching movies?

Man: of course I do, I like action movies.

Cellmate: good! Becos every Tuesday we have a movie marathon of 3 shows in a roll!

Man: you're kidding me!

Cellmate: do you eat burgers and fries?

Man: they are my favourite!

Cellmate: every Wednesday, the kitchen will prepare super sized burgers with unlimited amount of fries!

Man: I can't believe this, it's paradise!

Cellmate: great! By the way, are you a homo sexual?

Man: damnmit, of course not! I hate homosexuals!

Cellmate: ohhhh...... You are not going to like Thursdays!

 

cont...

 

Man: What?!! And what about Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays?

Cellmate: That's for you to rest your ass mate!

 

[Camrysfa]

Try this quip next time you order pizza!

[2BDriver]

Try this quip next time you order pizza!

Lam Pah, Pah Lam...........LOL

[Fibo]

A man walking along a California beach and was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice from the Lord
said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man thought about it, and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific Ocean the concrete and steel it would take! It will exhaust many natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, why she needs full color for the same design of shoe, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how can I truly make her happy."

few seconds of silence, then the Lord replied, "You want two, four or six lanes on that bridge?"

[Picnic06-Biante15]

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman : "Which book has helped you most in your life?"

 

The woman replied : "My husband's cheque book !!!"

 

 

 

When you are in love, 'Wonders Happen'

 

But once you get married, 'You Wonder, What Happen'

 

[Picnic06-Biante15]

Philosophy of marriage: "At the begining, every wife treats her husband as GOD........"

 

Later, somehow don't know why ..... alphabets get reversed ...

 

 

 

Secret formula for marriage couples ...... "Love One Another"

 

And if it doesn't work, bring the last word to the middle...!!!!!!

 

 

 

[Picnic06-Biante15]

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual.

 

The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her the following wishes: "

 

- I want my husband to have eyes only for me

- I want to be the only one in his life

- I want that when he gets up in the morning, I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes."

 

 

The Genie replied: "Your wish is my command"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Genie turned THE LADY into a SAMSUNG GALAXY S5 ..........

[Picnic06-Biante15]

Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist : "Hello, could you give me condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

 

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as Peter was going out. he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike a luck there too"

 

The pharmacist gives him a second condoms and as Peter was leaving, again he turns back and says "Give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mun is still pretty cute and when she sees me, she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner. I think she is expecting me to make a move."

 

During dinner, Peter sat with his girlfriend on the left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.

 

When Dad walks in, Peter lower his head and starts the dinner prayer. "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all u've given us".

 

Ten minutes goes by and Peter is still praying, keeping his head down very close to the table.

 

They all looked at each other surprised and his girlfriend was even more surprised than others.

 

She gets close to him and whispered, "I didn't know you are so religious."

 

Peter with his head still on the table replies, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"

 

[DavidOh]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle; they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, “Dat's dem.”

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

“Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,” says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, “Dis looks like a grand place.”

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, “Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!”

[Thaiyotakamli]

After working so hard for a year

Eat and drink less

Scrimp as much as possible

Went through much hardships and sufferings

 

I finally can afford to buy this green shirt

Edited September 15, 2014 by Thaiyotakamli

[Darryn]

Men get married expecting their wives not to change - and they do, while women get married expecting their husbands to change, and they don't.

 

 

What's the difference between mountain goats and goldfish? Gold fish muck around in fountains.

 

 

[Fireball0088]

4 Sons and a dotter

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

 

Edited September 15, 2014 by Fireball0088

[Fireball0088]

The Goat and The Horse

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.

One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.

Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.

After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more!

Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's Cook the goat!!!!

Lesson: Management never knows which employee actually deserves the appraisal.