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Sharing of Good Jokes


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Jane and Jenny are walking past a flower shop.

 

Jenny sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."

 

Jane asks: "What's wrong with that?"

 

Janney says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."

 

Jane asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"

 

 

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Once there was a sperm named John.

 

When all the other sperms were just swimming around, John was doing sprints and lifting weights. All the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"

 

John replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there".

 

The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when John pulled ahead of the rest.

 

Suddenly, he stopped and turned around and headed back.

 

The others asked him why he turned around and he shouted, "back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!"

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A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

 

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

 

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

 

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

 

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

 

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

 

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

 

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

 

 

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

 

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

 

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

 

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

 

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

 

Jack asks, 'Son...what happened last night?'

 

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

 

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

 

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

 

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $1.38

 

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!!

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Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

 

The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, ' And be there any wee little ones yet?'

 

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

 

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

 

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'

 

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in al!'

 

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!

 

How is yer loving hoosband doing? She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

 

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while

he's drinking, the monkey jumps around all over the place.

 

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats

them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,

sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it

whole.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

 

The guy says "No, what?"

 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in

sight, the little bas***d. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

 

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,

then leaves.

 

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He

orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

 

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry

on the

bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. Then

the monkey finds a peanut,

and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

 

"No, what?" replies the guy.

 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them

out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

 

"Yeah, well doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats

everything in sight, but ever since he had to s--t out that cue ball,

he measures everything first."

 

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At a busy bus stop, a beautiful young lady wearing a tight fitting skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

 

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

 

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

 

About this time, a man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

 

She went ballistic and turned to the Samaritan and yelled,"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

 

The man smiled and drawled, "Well, dear, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were already good friends!!!"

 

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An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

 

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

 

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

 

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

 

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"

 

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

 

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

 

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

 

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

 

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

 

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself. You save money"

 

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Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed

his clothes. All the animals laughed.

Tarzan asked 'Why'? The animals told him......... ..'Your tail is in the front'.

 

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A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said,

 

"I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump."

 

So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump.

 

Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said,

 

"Are you the guy with the ad?"

 

The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked,

 

"Is that your elephant?"

 

"Yes."

 

The rich man replies.

 

Then the guy went back to his car. He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000. The guy then got in his Corvett and drove off. The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the paper. The ad said,

 

"I will give anyone $20,000 to make my elephant turn his head from side to side."

 

The man had seen his elephant's head move up and down but never from side to side. People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it. When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvett drives up. He walked up to the elephant and said,

 

"Do you remember me?"

 

The elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked,

 

"Do you want me to do it again?"

 

The elephant then shook his head from side to side frantically.

 

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A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said,

 

"I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump."

 

So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump.

 

Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said,

 

"Are you the guy with the ad?"

 

The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked,

 

"Is that your elephant?"

 

"Yes."

 

The rich man replies.

 

Then the guy went back to his car. He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000. The guy then got in his Corvett and drove off. The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the paper. The ad said,

 

"I will give anyone $20,000 to make my elephant turn his head from side to side."

 

The man had seen his elephant's head move up and down but never from side to side. People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it. When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvett drives up. He walked up to the elephant and said,

 

"Do you remember me?"

 

The elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked,

 

"Do you want me to do it again?"

 

The elephant then shook his head from side to side frantically.

 

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A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

 

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

 

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned,

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A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

 

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

 

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

 

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

 

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

 

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get

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A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.

 

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

 

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared.

 

Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide.

 

Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

 

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture.

 

As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain.

 

There was no sign of the lion.

 

"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

 

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"

 

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A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "father, I

have

a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only say one thing"

 

"What do they say" the priest inquired. "They say, hi we're naughty

girls, do you want to have some fun"

 

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaims I can see why you are

embarrassed.

 

He thought for a second and said "I may have a solution for your

problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read

the bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we will put them

in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots

to praise and worship".

 

"Thank you" said the woman.

 

The next day she takes her parrots to the priest's house. She saw his

 

two male parrots in their cage holding their rosary beads and

praying.

Impressed she walks over and placed her parrots in with them. After a

 

few minutes the female parrots exclaim in unison "we're naughty

girls,

do you want to have some fun"

 

There was a stunned silence, finally one male parrot looks over to

the

other one and says "Francis, put your beads away, our prayers have

been answered"

 

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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and

 

listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy,

God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

 

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl

 

said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The

next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange

coincidence..

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her

 

prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and

good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh,

thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her

say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into

shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack-of-dawn to go to

his office.

 

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the

clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of

the day he stayed there,

drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

 

 

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,

what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it; I've just

 

spent the worst day of my life."

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what

happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle

of

my lesson!"

 

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This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

 

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

 

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

 

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

 

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

 

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

 

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

 

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

 

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

 

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

 

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

 

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

 

 

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