Sharing of Good Jokes

[Byteslurve]

Hey BOB! How ya doin?

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

 

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

 

His wife is puzzled and

asks if he's been to this club before.

 

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

 

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table , big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it ... She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

 

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

 

 

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

 

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Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

 

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

 

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

Moral of the story:

 

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

Lesson 2:

 

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

Lesson 3:

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

 

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

 

Puff! He's gone.

 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

 

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

 

Lesson 4

 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

Lesson 5

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

 

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

Moral of the story:

Bull s--t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 

Lesson 6

 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

 

The dung was actually thawing him out!

 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

 

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s--t is your

friend.

 

(3) And when you're in deep s--t, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!

 

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PASSWORD This one has to be the yarn of the week.............

A woman was helping her husband set

up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the

process, told him that he would now need to enter a

password. Something he will use to log on. The husband

was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for

the shock effect to bring this to his wife's

attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter

his password, he made it plainly obvious to his

wife that he was keying in... P..... E.....

N..... I...... S..... His wife fell off her

chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD

DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

 

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th .

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

 

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,

but how old do you think I am?'

 

'About 32,' is the reply.'

 

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the

very same question.

 

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

 

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

 

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on

her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this

burning question.

 

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

 

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to

her the same question.

 

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was

young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under

your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best

of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very

slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,

'Madam, you are 50.'

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you

tell?'

 

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

 

'I promise I won't,' she says.

 

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

 

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An Ah Beng was walking on the beach and he found a Genie's lamp. So he rubbed it and out came the Genie...

 

Genie: "Master! You have freed me. I shall grant you 3 wishes!"

 

Ah Beng: "Wah... I very lucky leh... Wah simi lan chiao mah ai! (I any c**k also want!)"

 

Genie:"Your wish is my command!"

 

At this point, there was a puff of smoke and millions of lan chiaos appeared all over Ah Beng's body! He got a shock... and he immediately said...

 

Ah Beng: "Wah lau eh! Wah simi lan chiao mah mai liao! (I any c**k also don't want oredi!)"

 

Genie: "Your wish is my command!"

 

At this point, there was a puff of smoke, and the millions of lan chiaos disappeared. So you think that's fine? Even his own lan chiao disappeared! Of course he wouldn't want to live out his life without his manhood. But he only had 1 wish left... and he had to wish carefully. So he thought for some time and said slowly...

 

Ah Beng: "Wah ai wah gu zha eh lan chiao. (I want my last time c**k.)"

 

Then there was a final puff of smoke... and he got his old lan chiao back. But it was the little dick he had when he was a baby.

 

 

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named

Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's

begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give

me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had

his hand up: 'Patrick Henry,1775' he said. '

Very good!'

Who said 'Government

of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the

Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln,

1863' said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class,

'Class, you

should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more!

About its history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper:

'fish the

Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm

gonna puke.

' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said

that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime

Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

 

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the

teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob

hysteria someone said 'You little s--t. If you say anything else, I'll kill

you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael

Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004..'

The teacher

fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone

said,'Oh s--t, we're f--ked!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was

George Bush, Iraq, 2007.'

 

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After having their 11th child, a Newfie couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

 

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The Newfie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

 

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5......"

 

......at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand........

 

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A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

 

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

 

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

 

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

 

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

 

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

 

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

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A man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for

when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says,

"I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor

told him to take his Viagra an hour before.

 

He takes the Viagra and waits.

Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible.

I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?"

he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it.

Do you have a housekeeper around" "Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay,

"But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

 

[Byteslurve]

simon: You are looking worried john, Why?

jonn: My girl friend chew her nails.

simon: Oh! but its OK, lots of girls chew their nails

john: Toe nails???

 

[Byteslurve]

A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How loving they are ?

He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that? she asked.

The husband replied:

"I tried once but she slapped me."

 

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An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

 

"What happened, Mom?" the daughter asked.

 

"I had to slap his face three times!"

 

"You mean he got fresh?" the concerned daughter asked.

 

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

 

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There is a room full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

 

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner." The room got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

 

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

 

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk???"

 

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment,they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk,the man on the lower.

 

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,

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A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

 

The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

 

The lady say's "To kill my husband."

 

"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

 

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.

 

He looks at the photo and says "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"

 

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A young high school couple - Johnny and Suzie had been dating for 2 years, but Suzie had very conservative parents - so she never told them about Johnny.

 

One day she announced, "Johnny, Friday is my 18th . I want you to come over and meet my parents. And then Saturday, they will be going away for the weekend - and this being my 18th , I want us to finally "DO IT."

 

Johnny was ecstatic, and the day of the dinner, he went out and bought flowers for Suzie and candy for her mom. He then stopped by the pharmacy to buy some condoms.

 

The pharmacist asked him, "Do you want the 2 pack, 3 pack or 12 pack." Johnny responded, "You know, I think it's going to be a busy weekend, so I'll take the 12 pack."

 

Johnny headed over to Suzie's house, gave her the flowers and her mom the chocolate. Suzie's father also joined them on dinner. Johnny asked if he could say grace before the meal, and he sat there quietly for 10 minutes almost in a meditative state.

 

Suzie turned towards him and whispered, 'Johnny, you never told me you were so religious."

 

Johnny turned and replied, "Suzie, you never told me your dad was a pharmacist."

 

 

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

 

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

 

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!, This must be a sign from God!"

 

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man.

 

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

 

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

 

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

 

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

 

Moral of the story:

Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

 

 

[Byteslurve]

The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

 

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

 

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."