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Sharing of Good Jokes


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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

 

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

 

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

 

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

 

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

 

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little b------d on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

 

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A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

 

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

 

"Ten years!", he says.

 

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

 

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

 

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

 

He replies, "Ten years!"

 

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

 

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

 

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

 

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

 

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A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

 

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

 

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

 

The blind man responded:

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Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

 

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

 

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

 

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

 

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

 

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

 

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"

 

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

 

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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through out the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, `Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?`

 

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

`God Almighty!` shouted Mary. Teacher said, `Very good,` and Mary fell back asleep.

 

A while later the teacher asked Mary, `Who is our Lord and Savior?`

But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. `Jesus Christ!` shouted Mary.

 

The teacher said, `Very good,` and Mary fell back asleep.

 

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. `What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?`

 

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, `If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!

 

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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

 

"Why?" asks the father.

 

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' and I said "6" replies Johnny.

 

"But that's right!"

 

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

 

"What's the f***ing difference?" asks the father.

 

"That's what I said too!"

 

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Bob leaves his cat with his brother Joe when he went out on a vacation. after a week, Bob calls and asks, "How's my cat??" Joe says, "I'm sorry, your cat died."

 

Bob was really angry and said to his brother over the phone, "You could have told me in a better way. You could have said when I called today, ' The cat is on the roof and won't come down.' Then when I called tomorrow you could have said, ' The cat fell down and the vet is trying to patch him up'. The when I called the third day you could have said,' I'm sorry the but the cat died. 'Then I would be O.K."

 

Joe stayed quiet, then said, "I'm Sorry. how's Mom?"

 

Bob said," She is on the roof and won't come down."

 

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A father walks by this son's bedroom and stops. He heard him say, " God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grandma. Ta Ta Grandpa."

The father did not know what the boy meant but he was glad his son was praying.

 

The next day he found Grandpa died. That night he went to his sons room and heard his son praying,

" God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta Ta Grandma."

 

The dad was scared but waited till morning. And sure enough Grandma was died.

That night he went his sons room again and heard him praying, "God bless Mommy. Ta Ta Daddy."

 

The Dad way really scared. He didn't sleep all night. In the morning he went to the doctor to check him.

When he came home he saw his wife. His wife said,

" Thank God you're here, Honey!!! we found the Milkman dead on the front porch this morning!!"

 

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A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly well child visit to The doctor.

 

The doctor asks the little boy, "Do you know your name?"

 

He tells her, "Yes my name is Johnny."

 

"And Johnny, do you know your mom's name?"

 

"Yes her name is Mommy," said little Johnny.

 

"And what is Mommy's real name?"

 

And little Johnny says, "it's Tammy."

 

"That is great," the doctor told Johnny.

 

Then the doctor asked, "And what is your daddy's name?"

 

Little johnny said, "it is daddy."

 

Finally the doctor asked, "And what does mommy call him?"

 

little Johnny looked up innocently and replied, "a-----e."

 

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One day a little boy by the name Timothy, who was about 6 years old,

went to his mom and asked her, "How old are you?"

 

The mom said, "There are some things you should never ask a woman

and that is one of them. You will understand when you get older."

 

Then the boy asked his mom, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

 

The mom replied, "Like I said there are some things you should never ask

a woman and that is one of them. You will understand when you get older."

 

Later the boy came to his mom and asked, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

 

The mom told Timothy, "There is some things you should never ask a woman and that

is definitely one of them. You will understand when you get older"

 

So the boy wandered off to his mom's room and found her purse and started looking

through it. As he was going through the purse he found her license. He was looking at it

and looking and looking. Then he went back to his mother and told her,

"Mommy, I know how old you are."

 

"How old," she said.

 

The little boy said, "27". Then he said, "I know how much you weigh."

 

"How much," she said.

 

The little boy told her,"You are 130 pounds." I also know why you and daddy got a divorce.

 

"Why son?" she said.

 

He said, "Because you have an F in sex."

 

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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

 

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,"What are you up to there, Nancy?"

 

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

 

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

 

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f.....ing cat.

 

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TEACHER: How old were you on your last ?

STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next ?

STUDENT: Nine.

TEACHER: That's impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

 

TEACHER: Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

JOHNNY: Here it is!

TEACHER: That's Correct!. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Johnny! TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLY: Me!

 

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

 

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

 

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.

SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

 

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

JOSE: Don't bite any.

 

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

 

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?

JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

 

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

CLASS: Big hands!

 

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It was Christmas, and kinder gardeners were giving their teachers presents.

 

One boy, who's father was owned a candy shop, came up and gave his teacher a gift wrapped up in a box.

 

The teacher shook the box and said "Hmm.. could this be.. maybe some candy?" She opened it and sure enough it was a box of chocolates. She said "Thanks!" And hugged him and he went on.

 

The next girl came up, who's mother owned a stained glass shop. She gave her the gift, and the teacher pretty much knew what it was. She knew not to shake glass so she felt it. "Umm... how about something stained glass." And again she was right. "Thanks!" She said and she hugged her and she went on.

 

Little Johnny came up next who's father owns a wine shop and so he gave her the gift, in a shoebox. She saw, it was dripping and so she touched the bottom and put it to her mouth. She said, "Hmm. Wine maybe?"

 

Little Johnny replied, "No! It's a puppy!"

 

 

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In a kindergarten class 3 kids were told to compose sentences in English about starting their day using three words:

 

Green, Pink, Yellow

 

The 1st kid said, "I wake-a up een the morning, and-a I see the yellow sun, a green grass-a and I weesh-a that my day will be a pink day."

 

The 2nd kid said, "I wake up in ze morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in ze evening I watch ze Pink Pantter show on ze TV."

 

Then comes the johnny, shaking his head, "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone ringing green green, I pink it up and I say Yellow."

 

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