parents do u still insist on kids having a wedding banquet when they get married?

[Mustank]

If insane rich, give a banquet invite everybody and tell don’t give Ang bao just come eat and be merry 

then give free flow rum

 

[Lala81]

4 minutes ago, Voodooman said:

I had a big wedding banquet dinner whereby more than half the guests are strangers to me. Didn't enjoy it but i did it nevertheless for my dad, albeit reluctantly.  No regret coz that was important for his generation. 

My kids? I won't insist on it although a small wedding reception would be nice (for close friends and families). These days, in our pursuit of happiness, we are losing many traditions but society is evolving so got to move with the times.

The angmos have their church wedding and we have our banquet dinner, now we have nothing, just happiness. 😂

 

I didn't like my parents behaviour leading up to the wedding and fan lian a few times. Mainly due to my mother's overbearing nature.
But my wedding banquet wasn't big. And i did enjoy it. 

I think it's important to have some sort of celebration, albeit in whichever form is suitable. 

The whole point of being a family, is sometimes doing something for the entire family, rather than for yourselves. To assert independence is one thing, to fulfill some sensible familial obligations, is also another.

But then I don't think any of my friends regretted their wedding celebrations. Though my friend who's getting married for 2nd time, just going to do ROM. But then... we attended his wedding once liao  My other good friend who remarried. We celebrated for him twice!

[Throttle2]

6 minutes ago, Voodooman said:

I had a big wedding banquet dinner whereby more than half the guests are strangers to me. Didn't enjoy it but i did it nevertheless for my dad, albeit reluctantly.  No regret coz that was important for his generation. 

My kids? I won't insist on it although a small wedding reception would be nice (for close friends and families). These days, in our pursuit of happiness, we are losing many traditions but society is evolving so got to move with the times.

The angmos have their church wedding and we have our banquet dinner, now we have nothing, just happiness. 😂

 

That was something i decided not to hv.  Every guest at my wedding i knew.  My father’s old friends, my mother’s old neighbor.  So i did draw a line there as i requested my parents to invite only people i also know since there was a limit to 160 guests

[Kklee]

2 minutes ago, Mustank said:

If insane rich, give a banquet invite everybody and tell don’t give Ang bao just come eat and be merry 

then give free flow rum

 

IMHO.
This is not workable one if take into consideration of FACE value.
Later will have the ang bao and gifts  counting exercise to determine the "value" to be documented for future use.
The couple usually don't want to be part of it but no choice. 
 

[Throttle2]

13 minutes ago, Kklee said:

Eh.... perhaps that is why i never become a teacher last time,  if I am in a discussion with parents,  they ask me,  "do you have kids to understand how we feel ?".   Game over. 

That depends on which matter of discussion.  

You can always say that you may not fully understand how they feel, but need to make a decision nonetheless after trying.

there are nice parents and there are not nice parents, i hv seen it with my own eyes. My parents are nice parents and i intend to be a nice parent to my children.  

Plse note this is not saying your parents are not nice....do not misinterpret kindly

Edited October 23, 2020 by Throttle2

[kobayashiGT]

11 hours ago, VteckiCk said:

https://mothership.sg/2020/10/sg-marriage-no-wedding/

Getting married without a wedding banquet

Parents, do you still insist that your kids have a wedding banquet when they get married?

At least mine did when I got married. My mum invited her friends, my tuition teacher when I was young (goodness) and many others whom I do not know.

Youngsters prefer to keep it simple and save the money for travel nowadays.

As parents we did not insist on a wedding banquet (for my daughter) as we do not want our kids to be in debt. But MY parents were not too happy about our decision.

For those with daughters, would you insist for at least a simple banquet? Sometimes its not for the face but we want our daughters to "marry off well".

But we have to agree that living expenses are rising and young people thesedays have a mind of their own.

not all parents wanna haolian one. haha. depends on the face matters mah.

[1fast1]

30 minutes ago, Throttle2 said:

 

I agree with your points on the “forcing” 

Am just highlighting that we do not simply live for ourselves.  Therefore use some extreme examples.

If we have a wife, we are responsible for her. If we have children we are responsible for our children if we are children, we are responsible for our parents.   If someone has never had a child and taken the child from baby to adult, he can never ever say “i know, i understand” becos until you have your arm ripped off your body, you will never know how that feels. 

understanding your family situation gives me an insight of your value system as our values are generally built on that, so i wanted to understand.   That’s all.  It sure isnt the subject here and I didnt think you would be offended  just by me asking?

that i second guess people walking the talk ?   Nah......it isnt about how grand it is and as long as the couple has considered their parents it doesnt matter what the actual decision is.   Its kinda like buying a gift , its the heart not the price. 

Parents who insist and make it difficult for the couple, should think again

 

"Forcing" is a loaded word. I put it to you that when you make a serious request of someone you love, even if you know it goes counter to what they want or believe, it is a form of "gentle compulsion". Because of the element of subtle emotional blackmail.

We should value the people we love for their own sake, not a means to an end to fulfil our own desires or unmet ambitions.

You make it sound like a simple binary dynamic between one child and his/her family. I put it to you that it's almost never quite so simple. 

What if the child wants to marry someone of another race and/or religion and/or cultural background? If one set of parents "lovingly insist" (let's pretend this is not "forcing" hor) on a wedding ceremony done in a particular tradition, and the other side objects because they feel sidelined, what then? Do a second one with different customs? Which comes first, and which gets more budget, more attendees etc.? Even before a union is formed, you're already pitting one family against another. And the ones caught in the middle, who may not give a crap about any of this ceremonial or traditional sh*t and only want to love each other and have their own family, are caught in the middle. Congratulations, you've turned what should've been a joyous occasion into a sour memory. 

I've seen too many mixed marriages being soured long term by crap like this to simply let it slide without comment. And it doesn't even have to be a mixed marriage, it can be two families adhering to the exact same traditions, with one side insisting on their way in how to organise things. 

The simplest solution in my view is to let the kids have their say on their day, without unduly influencing them. If they ask, then gently offer an opinion. Else diam diam. A marriage is far, far more important than a wedding. Modern marriages already find it tough enough to survive, why start them off on a sour note for no good reason other than parental ego?

I'm not offended about you asking about my family. I simply choose not to share this detail in a public forum. I didn't ask about yours either. It's up to you whether you wish to volunteer your own private family details, but please understand my decision to keep mine private. I'm generally a private person, and I tend only share certain interests with the world at large - such as my love for cars. I have to say that I have shared more on this forum than I've done anywhere else on the Internet, I don't even have social media. I tend to share more with people I've met in real life as friends, and that includes some jokers here. 

Anyway, moving on, it doesn't even have to be about marriage per se. It can be about a choice of study subject. I've shared here (one of the rare private things I chose to share) my own experience of feeling forced into a particular career path by my father, when I had plenty of great options. So even excluding marital matters, I have had experience in this sort of thing, and how it can create long term resentment. With marriage, there are even more people involved, and the stakes are even higher. Let's give loving couples some space and freedom. 

Edited October 23, 2020 by Turboflat4

[Ender]

1 hour ago, 13177 said:

Eat for free? You not give angpow meh? 

He is the guest where everyone at the table is wondering who is he. Don't know is bride or groom side.

[Lala81]

Just now, Ender said:

He is the guest where everyone at the table is wondering who is he. Don't know is bride or groom side.

singapore not buffet most of the time.

[Voodooman]

39 minutes ago, Lala81 said:

I didn't like my parents behaviour leading up to the wedding and fan lian a few times. Mainly due to my mother's overbearing nature.
But my wedding banquet wasn't big. And i did enjoy it. 

I think it's important to have some sort of celebration, albeit in whichever form is suitable. 

The whole point of being a family, is sometimes doing something for the entire family, rather than for yourselves. To assert independence is one thing, to fulfill some sensible familial obligations, is also another.

But then I don't think any of my friends regretted their wedding celebrations. Though my friend who's getting married for 2nd time, just going to do ROM. But then... we attended his wedding once liao  My other good friend who remarried. We celebrated for him twice!

Yes, i share your views.  

Getting married is a milestone in life and we should share with close ones. The less we share, the less of a family we becomes. It is a balance.  

My dad's definition of families and close friends are however very different from mine. Therein lies the generation gap.

Edited October 23, 2020 by Voodooman

[Etnt]

No wedding banquet. Been there done that almost 2 decades ago.

Unhappy folks? Sure.

But do I really care? No.

[Throttle2]

15 minutes ago, Turboflat4 said:

"Forcing" is a loaded word. I put it to you that when you make a serious request of someone you love, even if you know it goes counter to what they want or believe, it is a form of "gentle compulsion". Because of the element of subtle emotional blackmail.

We should value the people we love for their own sake, not a means to an end to fulfil our own desires or unmet ambitions.

You make it sound like a simple binary dynamic between one child and his/her family. I put it to you that it's almost never quite so simple. 

What if the child wants to marry someone of another race and/or religion and/or cultural background? If one set of parents "lovingly insist" (let's pretend this is not "forcing" hor) on a wedding ceremony done in a particular tradition, and the other side objects because they feel sidelined, what then? Do a second one with different customs? Which comes first, and which gets more budget, more attendees etc.? Even before a union is formed, you're already pitting one family against another. And the ones caught in the middle, who may not give a crap about any of this ceremonial or traditional sh*t and only want to love each other and have their own family, are caught in the middle. Congratulations, you've turned what should've been a joyous occasion into a sour memory. 

I've seen too many mixed marriages being soured long term by crap like this to simply let it slide without comment. And it doesn't even have to be a mixed marriage, it can be two families adhering to the exact same traditions, with one side insisting on their way in how to organise things. 

The simplest solution in my view is to let the kids have their say on their day, without unduly influencing them. If they ask, then gently offer an opinion. Else diam diam. A marriage is far, far more important than a wedding. Modern marriages already find it tough enough to survive, why start them off on a sour note for no good reason other than parental ego?

I'm not offended about you asking about my family. I simply choose not to share this detail in a public forum. I didn't ask about yours either. It's up to you whether you wish to volunteer your own private family details, but please understand my decision to keep mine private. I'm generally a private person, and I tend only share certain interests with the world at large - such as my love for cars. I have to say that I have shared more on this forum than I've done anywhere else on the Internet, I don't even have social media. I tend to share more with people I've met in real life as friends, and that includes some jokers here. 

Anyway, moving on, it doesn't even have to be about marriage per se. It can be about a choice of study subject. I've shared here (one of the rare private things I chose to share) my own experience of feeling forced into a particular career path by my father, when I had plenty of great options. So even excluding marital matters, I have had experience in this sort of thing, and how it can create long term resentment. With marriage, there are even more people involved, and the stakes are even higher. Let's give loving couples some space and freedom. 

My opinions dont differ from yours as written here.    I cant put my words as beautifully as you can though, i am a rough man.

[Throttle2]

2 minutes ago, Voodooman said:

Yes, i share your views.  

Getting married is a milestone in life and we should share with close ones. The less we share, the less of a family we becomes. It is a balance.  

My dad's definition of families and close friends are very different from mine. Therein lies the generation gap.

Yes the generation gap thingy.

can you imagine if the grandparents chup chi kar? Wahaha

[Lala81]

1 minute ago, Voodooman said:

Yes, i share your views.  

Getting married is a milestone in life and we should share with close ones. The less we share, the less of a family we becomes. It is a balance.  

My dad's definition of families and close friends are very different from mine. Therein lies the generation gap.

yeah, if not for CNY, weddings i don't meet up with my aunts/uncles/cousins at all. haha

Everyone's lives just going on in parallel. It's good to have some sharing. 

 

[Voodooman]

33 minutes ago, Throttle2 said:

That was something i decided not to hv.  Every guest at my wedding i knew.  My father’s old friends, my mother’s old neighbor.  So i did draw a line there as i requested my parents to invite only people i also know since there was a limit to 160 guests

I had a 60 tables dinner, originally it was 100 but we compromised. 

He has many friends (my dad talks to everyone) and my great grandfather had 8 children and they were all very prolific.  My maternal side is not far behind, so.... You can understand i don't know most of them but my dad does.

For my kids, I agree it will be people they know. It will be their wedding, not mine.

[Lala81]

Hmm i think just bring up your child (boy or girl) to be able to understand that marriages involve being considerate of both families feeling. What u think is inconsequential, is frankly, just your own point of view.

Parents on their own part, should respect the independence of the couple getting married. 

The nucleus of a multi-generational family, doesn't revolve around any single person/pair.

[Throttle2]

38 minutes ago, Lala81 said:

I didn't like my parents behaviour leading up to the wedding and fan lian a few times. Mainly due to my mother's overbearing nature.
But my wedding banquet wasn't big. And i did enjoy it. 

I think it's important to have some sort of celebration, albeit in whichever form is suitable. 

The whole point of being a family, is sometimes doing something for the entire family, rather than for yourselves. To assert independence is one thing, to fulfill some sensible familial obligations, is also another.

But then I don't think any of my friends regretted their wedding celebrations. Though my friend who's getting married for 2nd time, just going to do ROM. But then... we attended his wedding once liao  My other good friend who remarried. We celebrated for him twice!

Sorry you had to face the fan lian thing.  I guess these are just the intracies of each families unique personality.

but in the end , all’s well and thats what its about.  A family is a family when it can go through ups and downs , agreements and disagreements but still always loving each other. 👍

[Jman888]

43 minutes ago, Lala81 said:

But then I don't think any of my friends regretted their wedding celebrations. Though my friend who's getting married for 2nd time, just going to do ROM. But then... we attended his wedding once liao  My other good friend who remarried. We celebrated for him twice!

you never feel cheated by giving angpow twice?