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Sharing of Good Jokes


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Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

 

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

 

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

 

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

 

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A preacher is buying a parrot.

 

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

 

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

 

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

 

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

 

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

 

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Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

 

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, �intelligence'?"

 

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

 

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

 

 

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A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

 

His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

 

"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.

 

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

 

"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."

 

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"

 

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

 

 

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Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

 

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

 

The girl said she was.

 

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

 

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

 

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

 

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

 

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

 

 

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It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

 

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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

 

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

 

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the Assembly line for the automobile... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"

God asks, "What do you mean?"

 

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.

3. Maintenance is extremely high.

4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.

5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.

6. The rear end wobbles too much.

7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

8. The headlights are usually too small.

9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

 

"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."

God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

 

 

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

 

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

 

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

 

"What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

 

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

 

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

 

"Fock me", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

 

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Before the marriage:

 

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

 

She: Do you want me to leave?

 

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

 

She: Do you love me?

 

He: Of course!

 

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

 

He: NO! Why you even asking?

 

She: Will you kiss me?

 

He: Yes!

 

She: Will you hit me?

 

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

 

She: Can I trust you?

 

 

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A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan

.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he

called

down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the

premises.

 

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down

the

hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your

purposes.'

 

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted

$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the

machine

started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman

pulled

out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best

haircut of his life.

 

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,

'Manicures,

$20.00'.

 

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his

hands

into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen

seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly

manicured.

 

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a

Service

Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

 

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,

unzipped

his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the

opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a

shriek of

agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

 

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender

unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

 

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1. Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

 

 

2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....

Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....

 

 

3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It

means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!"

Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"

 

 

4. Importance of a period

Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"

Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one,

my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."

 

 

5. Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and

confidential? "

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over

there, is also my son, that's confidential! "

 

 

6. Anger management?

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you

control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet."

Husband: "How does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."

 

 

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Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need

not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets

spend the week together.

 

 

Grandpa(the 1st boss ) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we canceled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has canceled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.

 

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement...

 

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Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

 

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

 

 

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,

 

"How did you do over the weekend?"

 

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

 

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

 

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

 

 

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

 

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

 

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

 

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your a-----e before prison...."

 

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9 Things Women Say...

 

1. "Fine" :

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

 

2. "Five Minutes" :

If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

3. "Nothing" :

This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine".

 

4. "Go Ahead" :

This is a dare, not permission. Do not do it!!!

 

5. *Loud Sigh* :

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of "Nothing" .)

 

6. "That

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SEX FROGS

 

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.

The sign says:

"SEX FROGS"

 

Only $20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.

 

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"

 

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!

 

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

 

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

 

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .

NOTHING happens!

 

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions .... Please call the pet store."

 

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

 

Within minutes, the man is ringing her door bell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.

 

 

The damn frog just SITS there!"

 

The man . . .. Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

 

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

 

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

 

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

 

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

 

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

 

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They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

 

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us

have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

 

DOCTOR'S OFFICE

 

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

 

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

 

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

 

Why not? 'You asked me what was wrong and I told you', the old man said.

 

The Receptionist replied: 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

 

 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

 

'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.

 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,

knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'

 

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

Don't mess with seniors, they have nothing to lose!

 

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