Sharing of Good Jokes

[AltisOwner]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.
"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Dirty and vulgar joke:

A guy, down on his luck, just lost his job and family shuffles down to the whore house. He walks in and talk to the madame and says," Im having a rough time shits f**ked, I got 5 dollars and a half pack of salems, what can you do"?

THe madame talks on a phone and nods, " Room 2a".

So he walks anxiously up the stairs and opens the door expecting a cross between a parapalegic with downsyndrome or the pussy looks like a bulldog eating out of a mayo jar, but alas he walks in. There is pretty hot whore laying on the bed spread eagle. So I walk over and say ," You ready,"....no reply. Well if no means yes, than nothing definetly means yes, so he proceeds to mount. It was tight and he really starting digging for the indian clay, but with each piledrive a yellowish snot would come out her nostrils and mouth. So the gentleman finished rather quickly and went and told a manager below. " Sir, I was f**king the chick upthere and she wasn't moving and this yellowish ooze starting coming out her orphaces."

Manager talks into a walkie talkie," Hey jasper," "ya" " Head on up to the second floow bring the shopvac and the make up bag" "Oh shit why? IS the dead girl full again"

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Hope u guys will enjoy.....

Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake


What's the definition of a Lesbian??
"Just another damn woman, trying to do a man's job."


Women are unpredictable:
Before marriage, she expects a man. After marriage, she suspects her man. After his death, she respects the man.


During pregnancy:
The 1st three months, do it the normal style Next three months do it the doggy style And the last three months do it the wolf style? sit outside the hole and howl?


Girl in theatre: "the man next to me is masturbating"
Boyfriend: "ignore him"
GF: "I can't, he's using my hand"


What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog? "
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."


A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is 300% impotent?
The doc asks "how 300%?" She says: "you know about the 100%, and now he has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."


4 miracles of a woman:
1. Getting wet without taking a shower
2. bleeding without getting hurt
3. giving milk without eating grass
4. and making boneless flesh hard



25 useless things in a man:
20 nails 02 nipples that don't milk 02 balls that you cannot play with.
01 cock that does not lay egg.



Teacher: "why cows get depressed after milking?
Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours then you are left
unsatisfied how would feel?

[AltisOwner]

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their married life.

The first one gets married....
On the second day a letter arrives with a single message... simply; "Maxwell Coffeehouse"

Mother became confused and finally noticed in a Maxwell ad, and it read; "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married.
A week later there's a message (secret code again ) that read; "Rothmans"

So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." So Mother gives a wide grin.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious.
4 weeks later came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS"

Mother looks into the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read;
(scroll down please.)























"TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."  

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed.
The passion is heating up.
But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

Then he realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide.
He tells her to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The lady is so excited.
She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

The woman's face goes blank.

He continues - "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.

The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

 

 

 

[DACH]

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma."Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

 

[AltisOwner]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.
"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea.

I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche.

 

 

[AltisOwner]

The Technical Rehearsal.

It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.

Take your time getting back.

We've been ready for hours.

There's plenty of room for more instruments over here.

The headsets are working perfectly.

The cue lights are working perfectly.

The orchestra has no complaints.

The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.

That didn't last long.

That went SO well!

We've finished early so why don't the crew get off home?

We've finished early.
 

 

[AltisOwner]

The Actor.

Don't. Let's not talk about me.

I've got a bit of free time; do you want a hand to unload the set?

I really think my big scene should be cut.

This costume is SO comfortable!

I love my shoes.

No problem, I can do that for myself.

No problem.

I have a fantastic agent, here, I'll give you his number; mention me.

I have a fantastic agent.

Let me stand right upstage with my back to the audience.

No, leave the light where it is, I'll walk into it.

Shall I take these cups back?

No, honestly, it's my round.
 

 

[AltisOwner]

The Stage Crew

Not at all, that instrument isn't in the way.

We'll get in early and do it tomorrow.

No, no, I'm sure that's our job.

Anything I can do to help?

All the tools are carefully locked away.

Can we do that scene change again, please?

It's a marvellous show!

I don't need this many on the crew.

You're all far too busy; I'll get it onstage on my own.

That was easy.

I'll do it straight after I mop the stage.

Another props table? Certainly.

No, honestly, it's my round.

Thanks, but I don't drink.

 

 

============================================================================

The Sound/Electrics Crew

I must fix the light in the publicity office.

This equipment is far more complicated than we need.

Of course I can operate sound from here.

Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.

Move all the lights on the FOH bar a foot to the right? No problem.

No problem.

I'll do that right away.

All the equipment is working perfectly.

That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.

I have all the equipment I need, thanks.

No, honestly, it's my round.

Thanks, but I don't drink.

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

The Director

That's fine, I've got my own torch.

Leave it where it is, we'll re-block it.

We'll bring the crew onstage just before the author.

We'll bring the crew onstage.

This chair's fine, thank you.

Thank You.

We'll use it as it is.

Let the crew have that day.

That's perfect!

My round, are all the crew here?

=========================================================================

 

The Choreographer

This floor's fine.

Plenty warm enough, thank you.

The lights are spot on, thank you.

Thank you.

Leave it as it is; we'll fit in somehow.

One dressing room's fine.

The costumes are perfect.

The boom positions are fine.

The wing space is ample, really.

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.

 

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely **** my pants."

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A boy and a girl were playing outside. The boy said he had to go. The girl asked if she could come. The boy said no.

 

The girl replied 'I'll tell my mom, my mom will tell my dad, and my dad will beat you up.

The boy said okay. So they went to his house. Then the boy said he had to take a shower. The girl said okay.

 

When the boy came out he didn't have a towel on. The girl asked 'What's that?' The boy replied ' Oh that's Mr. Happy.'

The girl said okay. Then the boy said he had to go to bed...and in the middle of the night the boy woke up and the room was covered with blood. The boy asked 'WTF happened?!'

The girl replied 'I was playing with Mr. Happy and he spit at me so i smashed him with a hammer.'

[AltisOwner]

True story from a Novel Netware SysOp:

caller: "Hello, Is this tech support ? "
Tech: "Yes, It is. How may I help you ?"
caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am withing my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed ?"
Tech: "Did you say a Cup holder ? "
caller: "Yes ! it is attached to the front of my computer"
Tech: "Please excuse me If I seem a bit stumped, It's because
I am. Did you received this as part of a promotional,
at a trade show ?"
caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional, It just has 4X on it."
At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it...he was laughing too high.
The caller had been Using the load drawer of CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You`re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat.

So don`t trouble the other employees. The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

A month later the boss returns and says: "You`re all working very hard, and I`m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavowed all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we`ve been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD <http://nosmoke.com/> NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.

Let me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

 

 

[AltisOwner]

The HR manager received the following appraisal report one day:

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12 promoted to executive management, and a propoal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.


Later that day, the same HR manager received the following addendum:

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I
wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines