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Sharing of Good Jokes


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The Cat and the Wind Chime

A cat was standing at the balcony gazing
at a wind chime on the opposite building.
The cat has fallen in love with her, but
she's foolishly waiting for the wind.

The wind swiftly came by and danced
with her for a while, but left her crying
when he's gone. It pained the cat to see
that, but the sound of her cry was melodic.

The wind chime couldn't do anything
unless the wind came to visit her.
The cat couldn't talk to her unless
he crossed the street and climbed over.

Between them was just the distance of a street,
and the cat could have easily crossed over.
But even if he did, nothing could be changed;
As the wind chime was only meant for the wind .

 

 

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Old People Football.......

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

 

 

 

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A Hole Behind

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.

When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't."

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels."

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!

 

 

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A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons.

 

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

 

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee!"- she said.

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

 

 

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Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

 

I'll sure do,' he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter.

'Wow!' said his friend, 'Where did you get that monster lighter?'

'I got it from my genie.'

'You have a genie?'

'Yes, right here in my golf bag.'

'Could I see him?'

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, 'Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes I will'' the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.

 

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, 'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

He answers, 'I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?'

 

 

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A COWBOY'S TOMBSTONE:

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

 

 

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A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.

The Problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child
into the world with all
the pain and labor. The child Shoul d be in my custody. "

The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say
in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.

"Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a
Pepsi Comes out...
Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"

 

 

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AFRICAN PROVERBS

 1. The anger of a penis doesn't destroy the vagina. (Zimbabwe)
 2. There's no virgin in a maternity ward. (Cameroon)
 3. A child can play with it's mother's breasts but not with the father's testicles. (Ghana)
 4. The man who marries a beautiful woman and the farmer who grows corn by the road side have the same problem.   (Ghana)
 5. When you see a woman sitting with her legs open, never tell her to close them, because u do not know her source of fresh air. (Ethiopia)
 6. He who says that nothing lasts forever has never tried Hausa perfume. (Nigeria)
 7. The only woman who knows where her man is every night is a widow. (Togo)
 8. An erected penis has no conscience n neither a winking c**t.(Uganda)
 9. If u go to sleep with an itching anus, u are sure to wake up with smelly fingers. (Kenya)
 10. The day a mosquito lands on your testicles is the day you will know there is a better way of resolving issues without using violence.(Senegal )

 

 

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One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

 

 

 

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A women is having sex with her lover in an apartment 20 stories high. Suddenly her husband returns from a long trip, and she hears him approaching in the apartment, So she tells the lover: "do not move at all... I will resolve this situation!"

Comes the husband: "who is this?" asked the husband

Wife: "oh sweetie .... this is jus a robot I bought to have s#x with when u not around, so that I don't have to cheat with your friends or with the neighbours .... I did it because u spend all the time travelling and u know that I .... uhhm .... have needs!!"

Husband: "oh honey I understand perfectly well .... I believe u .... ok let's do a quickie now, I came home as fast as I can and I'm extremely horny now!!"

Wife: " OH NO DARLLING .... yesterday I got my period .... u better take a bath, I'll prepare u sumthing to eat so long"

The lover is left with the husband in the room alone, while the wife walked out to the kitchen.

Husband: "Damm I'm so horny .... I am going to f**k this robot instead .... he tries entering the robot from his behind.

With a metallic and robotic voice the lover proclaims :"SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE!! .... SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE!!" The husband says: "f**k this crappy robot .... I'm going to throw it out of the god damn window!!" .... the lover realises that he's 20 stories high in the apartment and exclaims: "SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! U MAY TRY AGAIN .... I REPEAT .... TRY AGAIN!!!"

 

 

 

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No wonder outsourcing is so popular in India.

A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a ‘PHONE CALL’ so that the kids will not decode.

One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that, "Daddy wants to make a phone call. Mother replies: Tell your Dad that the Network is down today.

Dad to his son, "Go tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to a Public Phone”.

Mother tells her son to go and tell his dad, "if he dare go to a Public Phone, she will open a Call Center at home.

 

 

 

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Sex on Mars

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie willy - about half an inch long and just quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"  "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow ...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 

 

 

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A married lawyer had been having fun in his car with his secretary.

On getting home, his wife saw a pair of panties on the back seat. She tore it apart, screaming, "What the hell is this? What have you been up to??"

He calmly replied, "You have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case worth a million for me, which I'm handling. You can forget the jewellery you wanted!"

She quickly fell on her knees apologising.

No one wins over a Lawyer, even something called A WIFE.

 

 

 

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To all the golfers out there - are they talking about you???

A Priest, a doctor, a rich businessman (all Australians) and a Singaporean were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Singaporean fumed .... 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The doctor chimed in, 'It’s true, but I've never seen such poor golf.’

The rich businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The priest said, 'Here comes the Marshall. Let's have a word with him.'

'Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The rich businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honour of these brave souls!'

And the Singaporean said, 'Tiu nia seng, why can't these guys play at night ??!!'

.... now, that's the true Singaporean spirit!!!!

 

 

 

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Contract

Donald trump wants to paint the white house.. He calls for quotation..
Chinese guy quoted 3 million. European guy quoted 7 million..

Malaysian guy quoted 10 million..

Trump asked chinese guy.."..how did u quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied .. "1 million for paint 1 million for labour 1 million profit.." Trump asked european guy.. He replied-".. 3 million for paint 2 million for labour 2 million profit.."

Trump asked Malaysian guy.. He replied.. .."..4 million for you.. 3 million for me.. .. .. and we will give 3 million to the chinese guy and ask him to paint..!!"
Malaysian got the contract !

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Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?', she queried, nearly fainting.

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted...

 

 

 

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