Sharing of Good Jokes

[AltisOwner]

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock :

O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"




 

[AltisOwner]

THE BOSS

Who's in Charge? All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who the one in charge was.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The as$hole is usually in charge !!

 

 

[AltisOwner]

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.

"Doctor I think I have the crabs."

"When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks.

"I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied.

The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her.

After the examination he said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs. The bad news is you've got fruit flies."

"Fruit flies?" asks granny.

"Yeah," says the doctor. "Your cherry rotted."

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Guido, the Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
'No, I Norwegian'.

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Rubber Gloves

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the
procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies!
Their minds are always working!

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

     

[AltisOwner]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "f**k," the rottweiler ate him!"

 

 

[AltisOwner]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

 

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out.

 

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son In-law.'

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times....... ...huh... ...My Gosh!)

 

 

 

 

Edited November 21, 2017 by AltisOwner

[AltisOwner]

Deer Meat

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

 

Both he and his  wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.

 

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'it's what mommy calls me sometimes.'

The little girl screams to her brother, 'Don't eat it, it's an a**hole.'

[AltisOwner]

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers.Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts, the mouth and the a**hole - and they are interchangeable"

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Single:

1. Single means you have the time to grow and be the
person you want to be.

2. Single gives you space to grow. It is harder to
grow when you are too close to someone.

3. Single means learning to live by yourself.

4. Single means freedom.

5. Single means learning not to need a man/woman to make your life meaningful.

6. Single is realizing that being married is not
necessarily better.

7. Single means that there could be something
wonderful around the corner and you can take advantage of it.

8. Single means you are free to love again.

9. Single means you have more time to care for other
people.

 

===========================================================================

MARRIAGE

1. Marriage is not a word, but a sentence (life sentence).

2. Marriage is very much like a violin, after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

3. Marriage is love, love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's and the woman gets her Masters.

4. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

5. Marriage is not just having a wife but also inherited worries forever.

6. Marriage requires a man to purchase 4 types of "Ring" engagement ring, wedding ring, suffe-ring and endur-ing.

7. Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration. In the first year, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. And in the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

8. It is true that love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

9. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You ordered what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wished you had ordered that.

10. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking, the husband gives and the wife takes.

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.  But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

13. Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Why are Jewish nostrils so BIGG?

Coz' the air is free, now read on ...

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn 't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries.

Finally, a Jew was located who had similar type of the blood who willingly donated his blood to the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new RollsRoyce car as a token of his appreciation.

Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again.

His doctors telephoned the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card and a jar of Almond Roca sweets. The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate much the Jew's kind gesture as he had done previously.

So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner.

The Arab replied "Ya habibi, I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?"

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals; so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Blimey!," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

 

 

[AltisOwner]

THE CHINESE WAY OF SPEAKING AMERICAN!
A Hokkien man with very poor, practically no English knowledge once visited the United States. His name happened to be: Teng Xiao Ping.

At The Immigration, the officer asked him a few questions to verify his true Intention of coming to the US:-

First he was asked: "What is the last name of our first President?" Not knowing English neither what was the question, he guessed they must have asked him for his family name. So he replied: "Wa Sing Teng."
(in Hokkien meaning My Last Name is Teng).

The officer heard "Washington!" same sound) so passed him off the first question.

Second question was: "What do you come to the US for?" This time the Hokkienese thought, naturally he would be asked of his first name. So he replied: "Xiao Ping." The officer heard of:

"Shopping!" so nodded and proceeded with his third question.

"What car do you drive back home?" The tourist thought he was asked of his marital status, so he exclaimed: "Wa Bo Bo." (in Hokkien meaning I have no wife). And the officer heard "Volvo!" So smiled with compliment and asked again. The fourth question was: "Who is the most popular basket ball player here in the US?" By this time our Hokkien friend was getting a bit impatient and annoyed hence shouted: "Mai Ho Wa Ja Dan." (meaning don't let me wait any longer). The officer heard of: "Michael Jordan!"

With great appreciation of this tourist's wide knowledge, the officer let him passed without further harassment.

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, Ireland. They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

 

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass.

At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes the birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,

"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor's Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff, carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis" Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the bottom, and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!"