He's your hubby not your child

[Jman888]

He's your hubby not your child

by Diva

 

"Hold my shopping bags for me. Can't you see they're heavy?"

 

"Are you deaf? Why don't you answer when I talk to you?"

"Why are you so stupid? Can't you do anything properly for once?"

 

It's common in Singapore to hear women chiding their husbands that way. These women verbally abuse their other halves, speaking impatiently and rudely to them over the smallest matters.

 

Some months ago, I was at an MRT station when I saw a woman scolding her husband for forgetting to buy movie tickets.

 

She ranted loudly, taking no notice of the stares from people around them. He, on the other hand, kept his head low and apologised profusely, desperate for her to stop her PDA (public display of anger).

 

More recently, a friend of mine threw a fit when her boyfriend couldn't remember if she preferred a latte or cappuccino during one of our gatherings. "Can't even get a simple thing right," she rolled her eyes, and gave him the cold shoulder for the rest of the afternoon.

 

Why do we behave this way?

 

There are many reasons for this "dragon-lady" behaviour, says Winifred Ling, a psychologist and couples therapist.

 

These include the woman's inherent attitude towards her partner, upbringing, unrealistic expectations, and bad habits.

 

"These women may believe they are entitled to behave in this way," explains Winifred. "They may have been raised with such attitudes, and no one corrects them when they lose their temper."

 

Other factors could be poor communication skills, hormonal imbalances that cause mood swings, stress, or an age gap between the couple.

 

Theresa Bung, principal therapist at the Family Life Society, elaborates: "Sometimes, a woman reacts this way because she is stressed and feels that she lacks support from her husband. In some cases, if the man is a few years younger or behaves in a less mature way, the woman may unconsciously take on the role of a mother rather than an equal."

 

The men don't get it

 

Moarie Tan, 32, is married with two young boys and she feels that men, more often than not, need to be reminded. "I think it's okay once in a while for women to be verbally disrespectful to their husbands.

 

I believe that this happens because the wife knows the husband too well, and that if there isn't any screaming or scolding, the husband won't get anything done," she shares.

 

She admits that after a long day at work, she becomes easily annoyed with her husband for watching TV instead of helping with the kids while she prepares dinner. Moarie says that he normally keeps quiet during her rants because he knows he cannot win.

 

But when he does flare up, she knows it means that she has gone too far. When a man comes across as uncaring, a woman reacts in a negative way, observes Agnes Goh, a parenting specialist at Focus on the Family Singapore. "In the woman's opinion, he needs to be more sensitive. Unfortunately, her approach is to complain and criticise in order to get her husband to change. The man interprets it as disrespect, so he becomes defensive."

 

Meek as a mouse

 

Often, husbands keep quiet because they want to avoid further conflict. Winifred says that some may not have the skills to communicate openly while others are too fearful to speak out.

 

"It takes effort and confidence to negotiate differences and put your point across. Some men either lack this skill or the motivation to engage in healthier behaviour."

 

Theresa adds: "Sometimes, a man chooses to keep quiet because he values the relationship more than his ego. Some men want peace at all costs, especially for the children's sake. Some may also keep quiet if they feel they cannot manage their wife's outbursts."

 

But if men do not share their feelings openly, they, too, may feel resentment, anger or bitterness towards their wives over time. Theresa reminds us that it's possible for a couple to face conflicts without hurting one another, and that it's through facing them that they can grow.

 

She suggests that a husband should learn to state matter-of-factly to his wife how he has been hurt by her words. "If he can share his feelings, it will improve communication and intimacy," she says. To better handle heated situations,

Theresa also advises that couples learn to express their unmet needs and be aware of their limitations.

 

"Marriage is a partnership," she says. "Women may feel that they cannot respect their husbands because they are holding on to unresolved issues and past disappointments. They must learn to let go of these hurts. It also helps if a couple can inject humour and laughter into their relationship."

 

Make the change

 

To curb the habit of treating your husband like one of your children, the first step is to recognise that your behaviour is damaging - as your man grows resentful, you grow more distrustful and disrespectful.

 

Lay some ground rules to avoid this, advises Agnes. "Give your husband helpful suggestions, not sarcastic put-downs. Listen to him without interrupting and don't finish his sentences for him. Focus on and look for his positive traits, and don't sweat the small stuff!"

 

Seek professional help if you feel you can no longer communicate with your husband, advises Theresa. "Seek help if you feel that every day is like a battlefield at home, or if you're constantly trying to avoid your spouse." Winifred says: "Be willing to let go of power.

 

Build security in the relationship by having a firm friendship instead of a controlling one. You need to be willing to be respectful and loving towards your spouse, and this takes time, effort and skills." Becoming aware of your husband's feelings, and building ties founded on respect and friendship, can lessen your urge to mother your other half and to start treating him as an equal.

 

 

 

DO you have a Franken-wife?

 

 

i believe many macho man would say they are the commander of the house, but i believe many do get a bit of such treatment, nothing to be ashamed of cos you are just avoiding further conflict

 

*** If you are a victim getting such treatment from wife, you can praise me with 1 point (anonymously of course if you are shy)

 

*** if you are lucky to have an understanding wife (or in denial stage), you can junk me with 1 point (or more if you like, anonymously or name)

 

(this is the time to junk me where i won't get angry )

 

 

[Puteh83]

If kenna the lady on the last video from diu diu diu thread?

[Ahgong]

tried to praise. but rank not high enough to do it. :)

[Rainbowbiatch]

are you in denial stage?

[Jman888]

are you in denial stage?

 

 

no..... i only have 气管炎

[Mustank]

wanted to give you praise points but donno why cannot ???

the systen say doonoo what chim stuff

i still got 65 points for the day leh

[Rainbowbiatch]

wanted to give you praise points but donno why cannot ???

the systen say doonoo what chim stuff

i still got 65 points for the day leh

 

tink they put a stop to spam praising/junking..

[Jman888]

wanted to give you praise points but donno why cannot ???

the systen say doonoo what chim stuff

i still got 65 points for the day leh

 

 

you also suffer from 气管炎?

[Trex101]

I believe it is the man problem, if he allow his gf to treat him this way when courting then after marriage obviously she will treat him this way or even worst. So don't blame the woman, fault lay with the man.

[Watwheels]

But if the wife is a chio bu with nice big boobs leh? I think most men won't care what fraken-wife lor .

[Jman888]

But if the wife is a chio bu with nice big boobs leh? I think most men won't care what fraken-wife lor .

 

 

as long as he gets what he wants

[Mockngbrd]

GOLDEN CHEESE PIE!

[Ahgong]

I believe it is the man problem, if he allow his gf to treat him this way when courting then after marriage obviously she will treat him this way or even worst. So don't blame the woman, fault lay with the man.

 

read the article properly...

 

Sometimes, a man chooses to keep quiet because he values the relationship more than his ego. Some men want peace at all costs, especially for the children's sake.

[Myxilplix]

Article about GCP siol....

 

But hor...I dare to say...

 

I AM THE COMMANDER OF THE HOUSE!

 

 

 

 

Cos i'm the only one in the house

[Damienic]

 

read the article properly...

 

Sometimes, a man chooses to keep quiet because he values the relationship more than his ego. Some men want peace at all costs, especially for the children's sake.

 

I feel there is no point to always choose this option just to keep the relationship cos the more you do this, the worse it can become. Overtime the wife will increase her frequency and extent of scoldings cos she see the guy accepting all of it.

 

I feel if the scoldings have become unreasonable or extremely frequent, the husband should voice out. Without sounding MCP, my personally take is that woman generally cannot be too overindulged one. The more you do this, the worse they behave. They are like spoilt kids at times. When it is necessary to show your anger, you just have to do it.

[Mockngbrd]

[Ahgong]

 

I feel there is no point to always choose this option just to keep the relationship cos the more you do this, the worse it can become. Overtime the wife will increase her frequency and extent of scoldings cos she see the guy accepting all of it.

 

I feel if the scoldings have become unreasonable or extremely frequent, the husband should voice out. Without sounding MCP, my personally take is that woman generally cannot be too overindulged one. The more you do this, the worse they behave. They are like spoilt kids at times. When it is necessary to show your anger, you just have to do it.

 

yep.

[Akula]

While not necessary must get in the last word ALL the time and true that on occasions its better just to keep quiet especially if one is really at fault.

 

Do note that too sub-servient behaviour will sometimes "encourage" or embolden the other half, causing them to be more assertive.

 

Which will be bad for any relationship in the long term.