Sharing of Good Jokes

[Maxus-MIFA9]

Saw thisis HWZ. Makes my friday smiles..

 

 

In cantonese "Chup Tou Kam" aka 'pick up gold' ...

[Byteslurve]

Spot on! [rifle]

Edited October 3, 2014 by Byteslurve

[Byteslurve]

There are three men in a hotel each wanting a room.

The porter of the hotel says, “All the rooms are booked except for one room with a kingsize bed.”

The three men are too tired to go to another hotel so they decide to take the room.

The next morning, the three men wake up and the man on the left side of the bed said, “Wow, I had vivid dream of getting a wonderous hand job.”

The man on the right said, “Yeah, me too.”

The man in the middle said, “You two are disgusting, I had an ordinary dream that I went Skiing.”

[Byteslurve]

A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of her teammates about using steroids. She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places.

When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my nuts."

[Byteslurve]

On the first day of school, a teacher asked her class, "Who here is a Mets fan?"

Every student knew that she loved the Mets, so they replied bye raising their hands, except for one girl, Rosie.

The teacher asked, "Who do you like, little girl?" Rosie replied, "I'm a Yankees fan and I hate the Mets."

The teacher asked why and Rosie told her that her parents were Yankees fans, so she was too. The teacher said to the class, "So if Rosie's parents were idiots, what would that make her?"

Rosie chimed in, "A Mets fan!!!"

[Byteslurve]

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it. So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep. The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.

"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"

William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"

And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."

Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.

"Who died on the cross for our sins?"

William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"

Once again, she goes back to sleep. This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

William pokes her again. Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"

[Byteslurve]

A blonde, brunette and a redhead have a breaststroke race across the English Channel. The brunette comes in first, the redhead comes in second, and the blonde never finishes.

In the lifeboat, the blonde says, "I don't want to be a tattletale, but the other two used their arms."

[Byteslurve]

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a s**t. So he got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a s**t in his hat. He couldn't leave his hat there because he had his name on it. He took his hat and on the way to his car he saw a police man. He covered the hat with his hand. The police officer came over and asked him what was in the hat.

The guy said, "It's a hurt bird."

The police officer said, "Let me see the bird."

The man said, "I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away."

The police officer said, "Let me see the bird."

The man said, "I can't - if I take my hand away it will fly away." They kept that up for about five minutes.

Then the police officer got mad and asked him one more time. "Take your hand away and I will reach in really fast and the bird won't fly away!"

The guy said, "Alright." And he slowly removed his hand.

The police officer reached in and grabbed a handful of s**t and asked the man, "What is this?"

The man replied, "You scared the s**t out of the bird."

[Byteslurve]

Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge and see a funeral procession starting across the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge, and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel and continues fishing.

His friend says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

He responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do -- after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

[Byteslurve]

A biker had been injured in an accident and was hospitalized. Several nurses each had the opportunity to give him a sponge bath and were commenting on his genitals. They all had noticed a tattoo of the word ''Little." So they drew straws to see who would find out what the whole tattoo said. The nurse with the shortest straw went into the guy's room while the others waited in the hall. Suddenly, they heard a commotion, then moans of passion and a piercing scream. Finally, she came out of the room with her skirt up around her waist, her panties around one ankle and a contented smile on her face. The others ask her what she found out.

"It says 'Little Rock Arkansas, Big Dick Champion, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998!'''

[Byteslurve]

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.

"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.

"Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."

[Byteslurve]

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."

And it was good.

Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."

With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and blue.

God said, "Let it be called, ''The Dallas Cowboys'' - America''s team."

Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need a**holes."

So he made their fans.

[Byteslurve]

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

[Byteslurve]

Three dicks are talking about what their owners are like. Two of the dicks say their owners are really nice and like to rub them and pat them. The third dick says that his owner is really mean. The two other dicks ask him why, and he explains, “Well, every night my owner puts a raincoat on me, sticks me in a deep dark hole and makes me do pushups untill I throw up.”

[Byteslurve]

A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him.

One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady who also had just become marooned.

"Finally, some company!" he thought.

While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, ''Hey, could you go walk the dog?''

[Byteslurve]

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen. Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred. The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret. Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a tobacco dip sample table.

"This is your secret?" says the first guy.

"Try some dip," says the third. They both take a little bit o' dip.

"Ech!" says the second guy. "This tastes like s**t!"

"It is s**t. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"

[Byteslurve]

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a room to stay in. The manager gives him a room and warns him not to mess around with his daughter or he'll get the “Three Chinese Tortures.” On his way to his room the man sees the manager's daughter. She's very beautiful and he figures he'll endure whatever he has to. So he has his way with the daughter and retires to his room.
The next morning when he wakes up he finds a rock on his chest. There is a note on it, reading: “FIRST CHINESE TORTURE: ROCK ON CHEST.” The man laughs and throws the rock out the window. Then he sees a sign on the nightstand that says: “''SECOND CHINESE TORTURE: LEFT NUT TIED TO ROCK.” He goes flying out the window afte the rock but, as he does, he spots a sign on the windowsill that proclaims: “THIRD CHINESE TORTURE: RIGHT NUT TIED TO BED POST.”

[Byteslurve]

A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse and noticed the strange behavior of the couple inside. The woman was running the lawn mower over the carpet and the man had one hand dipped in a fish bowl and was playing with himself with the other. The salesman assumed they were crazy and moved on.

After he'd finished his pitch at the next farmhouse, he mentioned what he'd just seen.

''Oh, those folks ain't crazy,'' the farmer said, ''They're both deaf mutes. She was telling him to mow the lawn, and he was telling her to go f**k herself because he was going fishing.''