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Found 21 results

  1. Byteslurve

    Sharing of Good Jokes

    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see.. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don 't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
  2. Scb11980

    Jokes Corner

    Robot Man A women is having sex with her lover in an apartment 20 stories high. Suddenly her husband returns from a long trip, and she hears him approaching in the apartment, So she tells the lover: "do not move at all... I will resolve this situation!" Comes the husband: "who is this?" asked the husband Wife: "oh sweetie... this is jus a robot I bought to have sex with when u not around, so that I don't have to cheat with your friends or with the neighbours... I did it because u spend all the time travelling and u know that I...uhhm.... have needs!!" Husband: "oh honey I understand perfectly well... I believe u... ok let's do a quickie now, I came home as fast as I can and I'm extremely horny now!!" Wife: " OH NO DARLLING... yesterday I got my period... u better take a bath, I'll prepare u sumthing to eat" The lover is left with the husband in the room alone, while the wife walked out to the kitchen. Husband: "Damm I'm so f--king horny... I am going to f--k this robot instead..... he tries entering the robot from his behind. With a metallic and robotic voice the lover proclaims :"SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE!!... SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE!!" The husband says: "f--k this crappy robot... I'm going to throw it out of the god damn window!!" the lover realises that he's 20 stories high in the apartment and exclaims: "SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! U MAY TRY AGAIN... I REPEAT...TRY AGAIN!!!"
  3. LiuDeHua

    Despair.com

    To share with all a fantastic website that I visit regularly. http://www.despair.com/demotivators.html Their demotivators are damn funny, and more importantly, speaks of the real world. Some of my favourites below.
  4. Anyone want to go? http://www.todayonline.com/entertainment/celebrity/russell-peters-returns-singapore
  5. Scb11980

    Jokes by SCB11980

    Subject: ANOTHER LIVERPOOL CLASSIC.....! A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids... 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one he is Terry, also.' The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come Runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'I call them by their surnames!'
  6. Unltd

    Local jokes - Singapore

    I got the below in an Email and thought it was really funny so share with you guys.
  7. It's about as frivolous as a foot-stomping, tongue-tied someone, with two main differences: it's got heart and humour. MUST WATCH!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCia_wS_F7E...player_embedded
  8. I have received quite of few creative and funny stuff via my emails. Let's put all of these together and have a light moment: Recently, my white MP, nok on my door, and very kek ki.. Say 'I've worked so hard, so vote for me', 'Or rubbish won't be cleared, in your vicinty'... I said 'Dear MP of my GRC', 'Dun remember u, so please pardon me'.. 'I only saw you on TV', 'Dozing off and jiak liao bee'.. Last GE I voted for thee, 2% up in GST.. Cut CPF and up utility, Are still very clear in my memory.. 5 years later, then you come to me, Fresh from your slumber of ivory.. Say that only, you can help me, Escape from a life of poverty.. Just take a drive on CTE, Count the number, of all the gantries.. Or squeeze a ride on the MRT, That has not been cleared for me My life since the last GE, Has been downhill though I voted PAP.. If I vote the same for your sleeping spree, I can expect the same misery... So! this time round, I vote for somebody, Who will kachiao you, to productivity.. Forms fill wrong, no big deal to me, If there's someone to speak up for ah bee.. So dear MP of GRC, If life no improve, vote u cho simi?
  9. Rochelle

    JOKES FOR YOU

    As told by my friend, When he is about 20yrs old, this friend of his bought him to jalan besar for a quickie shot, at jalan besar, for a mere $20 odd bucks, you get to enjoy once, no time limit, bang for buck eh? BUT! The women there, have more or less reserved a tablet in Mount Vernon. Turned off by that sight, he rejected the offer to have this bang for buck ride, so his friend went ahead, just shortly less then 3 mins, his friend came out, face flushed(obvious that he had his glory cannon shot), ask my friend to loan him another $20 bucks for him to take the second ride, after a few rounds of questioning, which his friend did not answer as he was in a hurry to get it going again, so my friend loaned him the money. After everything, both of them had dinner at bugis, while having dinner, my friend cant help but ask~ '' WHY DO YOU WANNA GO FOR 2 ROUNDS? IS SHE THAT GOOOOOD?'' Friend answered '' BECAUSE HER BJ IS SUPER POWER LO!'' My Friend Asked '' GOOD IN WHAT WAY? SO GOOD THAT YOU MUST HAVE 2 ROUNDS?!'' Friend answered '' OF CAUSE, BECAUSE SHE GOT NO TEETH!''
  10. Darth_mel

    Man & woman jokes

    Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come. ------------ --------- --------- ---- Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- It is difficult to understand God. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- If you are married please ignore this message. For everyone else: Happy Independence Day. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Girlfriends are like chocolates, taste good anytime. Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot and spicy, eaten frequently. Husbands r like leftovers, eaten when there's no choice. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated? Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Q: Why dogs don't marry? A: Because they are already leading a dog's life! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going through hell. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman? A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Here comes the Ultimate One Smiley Prospective husband: "Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'? " Salesgirl: "The fiction department is on the other side."
  11. Darth_mel

    5-sec jokes

    Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.' A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'.... Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'.... Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!' Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!' Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?' Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.' A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? ' Dad says , 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! ' Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?' Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' Husband: 'How does that help?' Wife: 'I use your toothbrush ..'
  12. Darth_mel

    Funny jokes...

    1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together of course. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing. 14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't. 15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. 16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!!
  13. Genie47

    Jokes from BITOG

    I'm sure the guys can make very good stand up comics over there: 14 As I was walking past the mental hospital I could hear all the patients shouting "13! 13! 13!" The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the fence and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastage poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting "14! 14! 14!" House of prostitution A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real an d drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...." "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door . " He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
  14. Strawberrypink

    And then the fight started..... (jokes)

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started.... ************************************************************************ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started.... *********************************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... *********************************************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started.....
  15. Wish1719

    Lawyers & WITNESS (True jokes)

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ____________ _________ _________ _______ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy? ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________ _________ _________ _______ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________ _________ _________ ______ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ____________ _________ _________ _________ _ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kidding' me? ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh... I was getting' laid! ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ____________ _________ _________ _______ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ____________ ________ ______ ____________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ____________ _________ _________ ________ And the best for last: ____________ _________ _________ _______ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
  16. Wish1719

    Monday blues?? ( some jokes)

    An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?" One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer. Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot." The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think." "OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?" After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside." Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."
  17. Wish1719

    Some quotes (jokes)(R16)

    Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) &n bsp; "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !'" Jerry Seinfeld "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin " You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips " Bigamy is having one wife too many.. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde " It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns
  18. Came across a website with some jokes. Better take cover first. Disclaimer - Any "sensitive" skoda owner who cannot take jokes please don't continue reading. Its just for the fun of it. Bueh song not my problem. What do you call a skoda with twin exhausts ???? A wheelbarrow. What do you call a skoda driver who say's he has a speeding ticket ???? A Dreamer. You don't have to think up any Skoda Jokes, .........the Skoda is a Joke ! How do you double the value of a Skoda ? Fill the tank ! Why do skodas have a rear wash wipe ? ........To remove the flies that crash into them. There is a big competition at my local pub the first prize is a scoda, ........the second prize is two skodas ! Why do Skoda's have a heated rear window? To keep your hands warm, while you push it. You see the ads that say 'What's behind the new skoda?' It's not really Volkswagen, it's 'People pushing it'! What do you call a Skoda at the the top of a hill ? A miracle. What is the difference between a Skoda and the flu ? You can get rid of the flu ! How do you overtake a Skoda ? Run ! What do you call a car that always wins the Lombard Rally but never appears in the Leader Board ? A Skoda ! I was stopped for speeding in a Skoda, but I was let off due to the Copper(police officer) laughing too much. Volkswagen wants to improve the quality of Skoda cars, so they take the Skoda workers to the Volkswagen plant. The Skoda workers notice that there a big cage with cats inside it. "What's that for?", they ask. "It's for testing the door seals of new cars. In the evening we put a cat into a car, and when the cat is dead in the morning, we know, that the seal is good." One month later, Volkswagen's boss goes to the Skoda plant to see if the quality has improved. Everything seems to be the same as before, but there is a big cage with cat inside it. "What is that?", they ask. "It's for testing new cars. In the evening we put a cat into a car, and when the cat is inside in the morning, we know, that the car is good."
  19. Cthulhu

    Jokes...

    BARBIE One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95". The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?" The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
  20. http://youngjedi.typepad.com/my_weblog/200...tory-of-mo.html
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