Sharing of Good Jokes

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

 

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

 

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

 

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

 

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At 7 AM, a lone wife hears a key in the front door. She wanders down, bleary eyed, to find her husband in the kitchen

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An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

 

Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"

 

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remembered where I left my old hat!"

 

 

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A woman was Chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a hundred dollar bill to a bum".

 

"You gave a bum a hundred dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"

 

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks'".

 

 

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A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife

in bed with another man.

"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what

if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with

your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane

and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

 

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A boy takes a girl out on a first date. He drives them to a remote and romantic spot outside the city, puts his arms around her and says: "what do you know, wer'e out of gas".

The girl then opens a purse and puts out a bottle.

"Cool, is this wine?" the boy asks.

"No", she answers, "It's gasoline".

 

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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

 

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

 

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

 

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

 

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A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter.

 

Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

 

"Don't worry, honey," he said.

 

She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

 

As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby."

 

"It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

 

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After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

 

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

 

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

 

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

 

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

 

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Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

 

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

 

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

 

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

 

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

 

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

 

"Why not?" asked the son.

 

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

 

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A couple were celebrating their 25th anniversary at their house.

Suddenly the husband asks his wife: "dear, I love you so much, and to honor our special day I want to give you whatever you want. just name it".

The wife thinks a little bit and then says: "Well, actually I do have this sudden urge for some snails..."

So the husband leaves for this local delicacy and buys a lot of snails.

On the way back he sees this gorgeous blond, who invites him to her house. He follows her and they have sex for hours. Suddenly he sees this backet of snails waiting to him near the entrance and remembers that his wife is still waiting.

He starts running like crazy carrying the bocket in his arm. seconds before his angry wife opens the door he hears her nervous steps and drops the bocket, so that all the snails are scattered around the floor.

When his wife opens the door and sees him with all the snails, he says:

"Come on boys, just a few more steps, you can make it..."

 

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A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

 

The husband replies, "Autumn."

 

 

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The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

 

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

 

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

 

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

 

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

 

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

 

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

 

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

 

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

 

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm Getting a tetanus shot."

 

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One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

 

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

 

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Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

 

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

 

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

 

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

 

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

 

"Never" replies Brian

 

 

"Well just relax and let it happen"

 

 

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

 

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"

 

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

 

 

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Friendship between Women:

 

A woman didn't come home one night.

 

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

 

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

 

None of them knew anything about it.

 

 

 

 

 

Friendship between Men:

 

A man didn't come home one night.

 

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.

 

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

 

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

 

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A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.

 

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"

 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

 

Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

 

The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"