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When you hear the words 'toxic person', what images come to mind? Most of us imagine the stereotypical toxic person: He or she gets on everyone's nerves with their negativity, short temper and biting comments. This person micromanages subordinates, interferes with other projects, endlessly toots their own horn, and gaslights others. However, there is another form of toxicity that is infinitely more harmful. Covert ops If you haven't guessed it, the worst toxicity is the insidious kind. People like this are like con artists and you won't realise you've been duped until it is too late. Like scammers, these people have neither conscience nor regrets for their words or deeds - everything has gone exactly as they wanted. Nothing else matters to them. If only all toxic folks came with warning signs (Image: Dan Meyers, Unsplash) A prime example I've met people in my previous company who exhibited toxic traits, but these were easy to spot and avoid. They were the type who eagerly complimented co-workers in front of others but secretly bad-mouthed them to bosses. There were also co-workers who were fantastic at talking up their capabilities and achievements, but when it came time to roll up the sleeves and do the work, they vanished like ninjas. Of course, they would return when the project was almost completed, and just in time to receive the boss' praises. But there was one ex-colleague at my previous job - let's refer to her as M - whose toxicity was insidious. She portrayed herself as pleasant, innocent and innocuous. M came across as humble and kind, always ready with a kind word or gesture. She was eager to support her colleagues and never spoke behind anyone's back. Nothing about M seemed harmful. After all, how could someone so cordial be so toxic? Image: Jules D., Unsplash Emerging signs However, there were signs that not everything was kosher about M. But back then, they were too subtle to notice and the nagging feeling at the back of my mind was too easy to dismiss. In hindsight, I couldn't shake the feeling that M was someone to be careful around. Perhaps it was because she was always so polite. But sure enough, M's veneer fell apart, and her true colours emerged. Like most toxic personalities, the first sign was her tendency to say one thing but do another. In her case, M talked about inclusivity, but she delighted in excluding others. It's like a wealthy philanthropist who donates millions to charity and makes speeches about how the rich should help the needy, but secretly mocks the poor and admits that the donations are meant to burnish his image and allow him to make tax deductions. The most obvious sign was the hushed conversations. Instead of holding them in private, M would conduct them in the middle of the office. Her eyes would dart around, scanning for observers. When anyone walked close to her, she would clam up and smile. This was a daily occurrence. If you had witnessed this once or twice, it wouldn't have mattered. But over time, it became obvious that she just wanted others to feel left out. The office at my previous job was even bigger than my current one and there was lots of space for private conversations. People began noticing the pattern: M wanted attention, but would gently turn it away when she received it. M also had a habit of putting people down with sweetness and politeness. It's one thing to do it jokingly, so that everyone knows you're pulling their leg. But M did it with her cordial manner to 'cushion' her barbed comments. For instance, she would tell someone that they had put on weight, but quickly add, "But it's not noticeable." Or, if someone said they were worried that their eyebags were getting larger, M would opine that pandas are cute, while adding, "So don't worry about looking like a panda." I must admit, it was hard to tell whether these were merely attempts at dry humour. But if your goal is to be inoffensive, you would refrain from saying anything in the first place. It's not easy to tell when the toxic person is faking, but it usually becomes obvious over time (Image: Nicholas Kusuma, Unsplash) All is revealed M, of course, made sure she had actual friends. Toxic people need loyalists to help them maintain their false image and defend them from criticism. But it didn't work. Her facade eventually crumbled. Colleagues who thought they were friends saw how fake M was and realised that the intention behind her innocent-sounding comments was never to jest, but to wound feelings. As colleagues witnessed the mismatch between her words and actions, they began avoiding her. Not that she would ever be lonely - the clique she cultivated was always around her. Rather than make me sceptical of making friends, I took this as a lesson in keeping an open mind while not allowing toxic people to affect me. And of course, this episode also taught me that toxicity can also come in a polite and smiley package. – Jeremy Main Image: Dmitry Ratushny, Unsplash