Sharing of Good Jokes

[Byteslurve]

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

 

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

 

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

 

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

 

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

 

1. TUESDAY

 

2. THURSDAY

 

3. TODAY

 

4. TOMORROW

 

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

 

[Byteslurve]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's bday . But she was willing to let it pass if he made it up to her in the right way.

 

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

 

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale...

 

[Byteslurve]

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned.

 

Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

 

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman,

 

"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

 

The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

 

[Byteslurve]

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

 

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

 

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

 

"What's the food like?"

 

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

 

"And the nursing?"

 

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

 

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

 

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

 

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

 

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

 

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

 

 

[Byteslurve]

Concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

 

"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

 

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer.

Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

 

[Byteslurve]

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

 

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

 

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

 

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

 

[Byteslurve]

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

 

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card, invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?"

 

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later.

 

His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

 

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

 

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

 

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook ..."

 

 

[Byteslurve]

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

 

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

 

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

 

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

 

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed... and finds four Chinese men.

 

[Byteslurve]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

 

[Byteslurve]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

 

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 A.M. for an early flight to Sydney.

 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 A.M.".

 

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00 A.M., and that he had missed his flight.

 

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....

 

It said... "It's 5.00 A.M., wake up!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator

[Byteslurve]

One day, a man noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.

 

He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

 

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

 

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor man when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments.

 

Finally, they return, and ask the man to step inside. "Okay," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars, you can kiss my wife's tits."

 

At this, the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. The man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

 

"I can't," replies the man, still nuzzling away.

 

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

 

"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"

 

[Byteslurve]

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

 

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

 

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

 

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

 

[Byteslurve]

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55

mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at

him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,

but, I want a divorce."

 

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60

mph.

 

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of

it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend,

and he's a much better lover than you."

 

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his

anger increases.

 

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up,

and now is doing 70 mph.

 

She says, "I want the kids, too."

 

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's

up to 80 mph.

 

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the

credit cards, too."

 

The husband slowly starts to veer toward

a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything

you want?"

 

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

 

She asks, "What's that?"

 

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,

"I've got the airbag!"

 

 

[Byteslurve]

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

 

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

 

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."

 

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

 

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."

 

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

 

 

 

The cowboy said,

"Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

 

 

 

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

 

 

 

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

 

 

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

 

[Byteslurve]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

 

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

 

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

 

[Byteslurve]

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

 

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

 

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

 

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

 

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife: "We 'll take all three of them". Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

 

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

 

The husband says "you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

 

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

 

The husband says, "no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff. I just wanted you to hold it for a while". The wife face goes blank, and she is about to explode.

When the husband sees that he says:

"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!".