Sharing of Good Jokes

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An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"

The student replied, "It is obviously past."

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Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 
A: It's okay. He woke up.

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One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"

He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class."

She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"

Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

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Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?" 
Student: "My father's check book!"

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an a**hole!

 

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"

The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."

He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

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Q: Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner? 
A: So they can take bubble baths.

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A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.

After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"

"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

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Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?

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Q: How come oysters never donate to charity? 
A: Because they are shellfish.

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A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots, and leaves."

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Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

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Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? 
A: Spare ribs!

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Q: What kind of key opens a banana? 
A: A monkey.

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

Edited July 12, 2016 by Byteslurve

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An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill you."

A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill myself."

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Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? 
A: They are both used as a meat substitute.