Sharing of Good Jokes

[AltisOwner]

BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE..

A famous speaker said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a beautiful woman who wasn’t my wife!”

Audience was shocked.

The speaker added: “that woman was my mother!” (Laughter and Applause)

A listener tried it at his home.

He said loudly to his wife, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a very beautiful woman who was not my Wife!”

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke,

He finally said “… and I can’t remember who she was!” and he regained his consciousness in a hospital bed...

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A 21st Century Marriage.

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a youngman burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's harddrive!"

 

 

[AltisOwner]

IT consultant:

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers,"that's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks:

"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not".

The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".

How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business...

Now can I have my DOG back?"

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Hotel bills?

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:

"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

 

 

[AltisOwner]

How To Become A Dad

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. '

'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A man and his wife are out in the garden one day.

The man looks at his wife’s ass and says “my god.

Your ass has gotten as big as the grill.” The wife glares at him, but continues working.

As she bends over to care for her flowers, he pulls out his tape measure and holds it up to her ass......
“WOW! Your ass really IS as big as the grill!” Again, the wife ignores him and goes back to work.

Later that night, the man is feeling a bit frisky.

He gets in bed with his wife and starts rubbing his dick between her ass cheeks.

She turns to him, smiles and says “I hope you don’t think I’m gonna fire up the grill for a tiny wiener like that.”

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

 

The trucker replies, "Listen darling’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

[AltisOwner]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00."

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[AltisOwner]

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

 

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.

 

So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

 

After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.

 

The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

[AltisOwner]

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well.

When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[nuttyprofessor]

In light of the recent Kevin Spacey saga.....some funny stuff here

 

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?

 

Because he likes to come in a little behind.

 

=================================================

Why is Kevin Spacey so bad at Hide and Seek?

 

Because he always comes out at the wrong time.

 

 

More at http://tinyurl.com/y8lavp62

[AltisOwner]

The condom and pharmacist

Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist.
"Hello, could you give me condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as peter was going out he returns and says,"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike a luck there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom an as Peter was leaving again he turns back and says "Give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move.

During dinner, Peter sat with his girlfriend on d left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the Dad walks in, Peter lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer."Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all u've given us".
Ten minutes after, peter was still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ...."

Ten minutes go by, and peter is still praying, keeping his head down, very close to the table. They all looked at each other surprised, and his girlfriend was even more surprised than others. She gets close to him and whispered, "I didn't know you were so religious." Peter with his head still on the table replies, "I never knew your dad was the pharmacist!" :)

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

[AltisOwner]

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.

They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids.

He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

 

 

==================================================================================================

 

 

3 engineers (mechanical, electrical and civil) were discussing what the best type of engineer was. The mechanical engineer said, "Well, God must have been a mechanical engineer. Surely if you look at the human body, what with all the joints and pounding the body takes, it's clear he was a mechanical engineer."

The electrical engineer speaks up, "but if you look at the nervous system, with all its intricacies, one must admit that God had to be an electrical engineer".

The civil engineer finally speaks, "God must have been a civil engineer, who else would have run a water and sewer system right through the middle of a recreation area?"

 

Edited November 3, 2017 by AltisOwner

[AltisOwner]

The Old Spinnster

On her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finnaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"

The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"

 

 

=====================================================================================

 

 

A Stiff One

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as
a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do".

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one."

 

 

 

[QQ2017]

What is Mozart doing right?

 

Decomposing!!!!

 

     

[kdash]

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. 

 

Then he said "We have reached your destination."

 

The first guy gave him money and the second guy said "Thank you."

 

The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked, thinking the third guy knew what he did, but then he asked, "What was that for?"

 

The third guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

[Wormee]

Monday morning joke.

 

Fully Nude British Lady gets into taxi. Chinese Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..

 

British Lady asks,

"Haven't u seen a naked woman before?"

 

Chinese Driver: I no look you naked. I plenty frightened. I look look. Where you keep money pay me?

 

MORAL:

 

Be Chinese!

Concentrate on your Business, no matter what!

.........