Sharing of Good Jokes

[AltisOwner]

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when Sean O'Driscoll appears.

He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief, "Fook dat, lads.

Dese adventure sports are too dangerous for me ....first dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, ... den Seamus and his parrotshooting, and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding.

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Job interview

An Office Manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified --
an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Gujarati from India.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,

"What is the fastest thing you know?"

Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head.
There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.
"Hmm... let me see. "A blink." It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on Yep,
Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Patel, the chap from India, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!): "Apter herring da 3 prebius ansers sir, et's obius to me dat the fastest thing is "DIARRHOEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
The others were already giggling in their seats...
"Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Patel.

"You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was pheeling bad and so I ran so fast to the baatrum,
but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I alredi done it !"

Patel is now the new "Office Manager" at Wal-Mart in Washington.

 

 

[AltisOwner]

THE CHINESE WAY OF SPEAKING AMERICAN!

A Hokkien man with very poor, practically no English knowledge once visited the United States. His name happened to be: Teng Xiao Ping.

At The Immigration, the officer asked him a few questions to verify his true Intention of coming to the US:-

First he was asked: "What is the last name of our first President?" Not knowing English neither what was the question, he guessed they must have asked him for his family name. So he replied: "Wa Sing Teng." (in Hokkien meaning My Last Name is Teng).

The officer heard "Washington!" same sound) so passed him off the first question.

Second question was: "What do you come to the US for?" This time the Hokkienese thought, naturally he would be asked of his first name. So he replied: "Xiao Ping." The officer heard of:

"Shopping!" so nodded and proceeded with his third question.

"What car do you drive back home?" The tourist thought he was asked of his marital status, so he exclaimed: "Wa Bo Bo." (in Hokkien meaning I have no wife). And the officer heard "Volvo!" So smiled with compliment and asked again. The fourth question was: "Who is the most popular basket ball player here in the US?" By this time our Hokkien friend was getting a bit impatient and annoyed hence shouted: "Mai Ho Wa Ja Dan." (meaning don't let me wait any longer). The officer heard of: "Michael Jordan!"

With great appreciation of this tourist's wide knowledge, the officer let him passed without further harassment.

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Four monks decided to go into silence for a month.

They sarted out well enoughbut after the first day one monk said, "I wonder if I locked the door of my cell at the monastery before we set out."

Another monk said, "You fool! We decided to keep silence for a month and now you have gone and broken it!"

A third monk said, "What about you? You have broken it too!"

Said the fourth, "Thank God I'm the only one who hasn't spoken yet!"

[AltisOwner]

General Musharaf, President of Pakistan was awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Minister: "Jannab, its the Minister of Health here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Rawalpindi has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Pakistani supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."

Musharaf: "What a disaster! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"

Minister: "We're going to have to ship some condoms in from abroad..."

Musharaf: " Afghanistan ...?"

Minister: "No chance!! The tabloids will have a field day on this one!"

Musharaf: "What about India ?"

Minister: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know that we are stuck."

Musharaf: "Call the Indian Prime Minister, Singh - tell him we need one million condoms; colored gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll know how big the Pakis really are!!"

The Minister of Health called Singh as instructed by Musharaf, who agreed to help the Pakis out in their hour of need. Three days later a flight arrived in Islamabad full of boxes. A delighted Gen. Musharaf rushed out to open the boxes. He found condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all colored green and gold. He then noticed in small writing on each and every one.....

MADE IN INDIA ~ SIZE: SMALL

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area.

 

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, Gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

 

 

 

[Noob79]

ouch, that must have hurt their prides...  

 

General Musharaf, President of Pakistan was awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Minister: "Jannab, its the Minister of Health here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Rawalpindi has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Pakistani supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."

Musharaf: "What a disaster! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"

Minister: "We're going to have to ship some condoms in from abroad..."

Musharaf: " Afghanistan ...?"

Minister: "No chance!! The tabloids will have a field day on this one!"

Musharaf: "What about India ?"

Minister: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know that we are stuck."

Musharaf: "Call the Indian Prime Minister, Singh - tell him we need one million condoms; colored gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll know how big the Pakis really are!!"

The Minister of Health called Singh as instructed by Musharaf, who agreed to help the Pakis out in their hour of need. Three days later a flight arrived in Islamabad full of boxes. A delighted Gen. Musharaf rushed out to open the boxes. He found condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all colored green and gold. He then noticed in small writing on each and every one.....

MADE IN INDIA ~ SIZE: SMALL

 

[AltisOwner]

An aunty saw a young couple. The girl asked the boy: "What's the meaning of ABCDEFG?"

The boy answered: "A Boy Can Do Everything For Girls."

The aunty felt so sweet and when she arrived home, she asked her husband: "What do u think about me?"

The husband answered: "ABCDEFGHIJK"

Aunty felt so surprised and asked the husband what did it mean.

The husband replied: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, and Gorgeous & Hot!"

Aunty was confused and asked: "What about I, J, K???"

Husband replied: "I'm Just Kidding!"

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

There was a man who had three sons:

He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible.

The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done.

His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself beer

The second son also sold his duck for $5.

His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road.

He went up to her and said, "I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me.' She considered it and said, 'Ok'.

They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, 'I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again.' 
The boy agreed.

While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road.

They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car.

The driver jumped out of the car and said, 'I'm so sorry I killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.' When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made.

He said, 'I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and forty bucks for a f**ked up duck.'

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family into prayer.

Little Boy : "But I don't know how to pray.

Dad: "Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc.

Little Boy : ""Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.

 

Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.

 

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use Mom's room when Daddy is at work.

Amen."

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Beer gender and risks??

Now they tell me..

This indeed is worrying

Beer contains female hormones. Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer.

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.  I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'  He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

 

The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.

The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?"

"No, what?" asked the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them."

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

 

[AltisOwner]

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment.

 

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pus$y on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times and on top of that gargled 1 liter of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat.

Feeling confident and relaxed, Jerry opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough and said, "Man, did you have 69 before you came here?"

Jerry said, "Does my breath smell like pu$sy?"

The dentist replied,

"No, your forehead smells like shit."

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

4 Husbands

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital while waiting for their wives birth giving. then a nurse came out and told to the first daddy, "Congratulations, you got twins!".

"Oohh.. maybe its a coincident" said the daddy.

"I am working in Petronas Twin Towers".

Then another nurse came out and told to the second daddy,

"Congratulations! You have triplets!"

"Wooow!, this is a coincidence too" said the second daddy. "I am working for 3M Corporation"

Another nurse came out and told the third daddy, "Congratulations! Your wife got quadriplets!"

"Thank God! Maybe this is also a coincidence."

"I work in the Four Seasons Hotel!"

The fourth daddy-to-be was very worried. All the 3 daddies asked him, "Why are you so worried??

He answered, "I am working in Seven-Eleven!"

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=9&v=dnCHHTkLquQ

 

Trojan Games USA

[AltisOwner]

Two newly ordained nuns decided to take a day out.

They went to London Zoo and were enjoying themselves, wandering around and looking at all the animals, and then they came upon the cage housing the gorillas.

As one of the nuns leaned forward to observe the gorillas more closely, the biggest of the gorillas took one look at this beautiful young nun, leapt forward, bent open the bars, grabbed her, dragged her into the cage and disappeared into the back of his cavern with her.

When the gorilla was finished with her, he came out of his cavern and ceremoniously thumped on his massive chest.

In the meantime, the nun managed to crawl and drag herself back out of the cage, and fell into the arms of the other nun.

She was completely dishevelled, her hair was a mess, her clothes all dusty and askew, her tights were laddered and torn.

She pulled herself together, straightened her dress and tidied herself up. She then turned to her friend and said, "Promise me one thing. Never, ever, mention this -- or even ask me what happened. Ever, ever again! Alright?"

The other nun agreed, and they made their way back to the convent.

The years passed. The two nuns remained loyal friends and never talked about that day again.

Many years later, in their convent, the nun lay dying.

At her bedside, the other nun, still her ever loyal friend, comforted her. Hesitantly, she finally said, "I know I promised to never ever talk about that incident at the zoo all those years ago... But, my dear, please... it won't go any further... I promise... I truly do! I've always wondered.... Can I ask you something?" The dying nun nodded.

 

"Whatever was it that actually happened in the back of that cage between you and that gorilla...?" She hesitated again, then stammered, "That... That gorilla... Did... did he... did he hurt you?"

The other nun slowly turned and looked at her, a tear trickled from her eye, "Did he hurt me?!" She looked away and paused to take a breath.

The other nun patiently waited for her friend to finish.

"Oh, did he hurt me... He never wrote... He never called... He never even sent flowers....!"