Parental advice

[Zacxaviqer]

you have put up a very detail scenarios of what happen.

 

On one hand i agree that discipline is good, at least it is consistent that someone is overseeing your daughter.

 

You could ask yourself, can u do any better than your MIL?

 

On the other hand, you are losing your daughter and she will never look up to both you and your wife. You should start gaining her trust be there to support her when she needs you. Talk to your MIL, and update all the school/tuition centres/other activities that all the communication should come to you first and you will then update your MIL. But you must prepare to be able to handle it promptly.

 

What i see here is none of you and your wife is kan cheong enough to take over the role full time.

 

Do you own the house where your MIL is living with you or you are living in her house?

 

 

MIL is staying in our house. At this juncture, one of us is unable to quit our job and take care of her full time so we still dependent on my MIL.

 

Having said that, I was raised by my granny as well as both my parents were working full time and they worked late into the night. However, my granny is not the authoritative type. She is not well-verse as well. Therefore my school contacted my dad to inform him abt my behaviour in school. My granny will only scold me and leave the caning and beating to my dad who would have know what I did in school. I'm more afraid of my dad and mum more than my granny. To me, my granny is just my caretaker but the real discipline master is my dad.

 

It's different for my MIL.

[Mustank]

So what can I do now? It has became worse. When I told her something, she would turn to my MIL and asked whether it that the truth...

 

It seems like I'm more of her uncle more than her father...

 

takes sacrifice

are you willing to sacrefice your career?

i sacrificed mine for my 2 sons

aint got much marnie but the sacrifice is worth it

everyday i go home 6, rush back to teach them homework

by the time i go home, their homework has to be completed and i only cover those they dont uinderstand

my mum is the primary care giver during the day time

i am ever harder than my mum in discipline so mcuh so that my mum will plead with me not to cane them (so i pretend pretend cane cane )

everyday 6pm-10pm, i am with the kids,

weekends, i 100% with them

it comes at a price, my career

 

at the end of the day, when you die, will your office miss you more or your family

my boss teach me one

[Toothiewabbit]

It's gonna be difficult to establish yourself and your wife as primary caregivers to your daughter as both of you could not do so due to your work commitments. The reality is the authority and influence you wish to have over your daughter has been ceded to your MIL who simply spent the most time with her.

 

 

[Beehive3783]

MIL is staying in our house. At this juncture, one of us is unable to quit our job and take care of her full time so we still dependent on my MIL.

 

Having said that, I was raised by my granny as well as both my parents were working full time and they worked late into the night. However, my granny is not the authoritative type. She is not well-verse as well. Therefore my school contacted my dad to inform him abt my behaviour in school. My granny will only scold me and leave the caning and beating to my dad who would have know what I did in school. I'm more afraid of my dad and mum more than my granny. To me, my granny is just my caretaker but the real discipline master is my dad.

 

It's different for my MIL.

Unable to quit due to financial difficulties or career aspirations? I hope it's not because of the latter, because you would be letting your child down.

 

I never really bonded with my father because he was always out at work and still is. And when he's home, he's sleeping or doing other activities. Not much bonding with me at all.

 

So at this stage of life, you can say my father is not really my father. Blood related yes, but emotionally related, no.

[Beehive3783]

takes sacrifice

are you willing to sacrefice your career?

i sacrificed mine for my 2 sons

aint got much marnie but the sacrifice is worth it

everyday i go home 6, rush back to teach them homework

by the time i go home, their homework has to be completed and i only cover those they dont uinderstand

my mum is the primary care giver during the day time

i am ever harder than my mum in discipline so mcuh so that my mum will plead with me not to cane them (so i pretend pretend cane cane )

everyday 6pm-10pm, i am with the kids,

weekends, i 100% with them

it comes at a price, my career

 

at the end of the day, when you die, will your office miss you more or your family

my boss teach me one

If you die, your employer will just send a wreath, say thank you, bye bye and hire another fella to take over. No emotional impact at all.

[Altivo]

During that 3 years, my wife is in Singapore but as she needs to go to work and working late most of the time, she depended on her mother heavily. When she was free on weekend, the 3 of them will go out together. My wife will play the mother's role while my MIL, being the stern and disciplinary one will play the father's role.

 

I dunno what's her reason to overrule our decision. Maybe she felt that our soft approach ain't going to discipline the kid, maybe...

 

Well, looks like your wife has a part to play for what happened. Anyway, the silverlining like what other bros pointed out is that you've noticed the issue early and would like to address it.

 

Parents vs in-laws issues are never easy to deal with. From the way I look at it, your wife needs to stand up and be firm. While she might want choose the easy way out by avoiding conflict with her mum, she is simply sweeping the matter under the carpet and hoping that things would not go wrong. That's foolish thinking.

 

Speak to your MIL with your wife.. Be polite and firm. Thank her and appreciate her for what she had done in bringing up your girl, while also bringing across your concerns and issues. Tell her as the dad, you do not like the way your authority is being challenged in front of your girl and likewise, you will not do the same to her as well. Tell her you share the same goal in ensuring the well-being and discipline of your girl but am not receptive of the idea of corporal punishment. There are other ways to drive the message across than scoldings and slappings.

 

[Celicar]

So what can I do now? It has became worse. When I told her something, she would turn to my MIL and asked whether it that the truth...

 

It seems like I'm more of her uncle more than her father...

You have to take drastic action already if you ask me. Move out. Start cutting down on time spend at work and increase substantially amount of time spent moulding your daughter. Earn $ all the time, in the end have to pay this price, worth or not?

[Jman888]

did your child get tire of seeing you so early at home everyday? [laugh]

 

takes sacrifice

are you willing to sacrefice your career?

i sacrificed mine for my 2 sons

aint got much marnie but the sacrifice is worth it

everyday i go home 6, rush back to teach them homework

by the time i go home, their homework has to be completed and i only cover those they dont uinderstand

my mum is the primary care giver during the day time

i am ever harder than my mum in discipline so mcuh so that my mum will plead with me not to cane them (so i pretend pretend cane cane )

everyday 6pm-10pm, i am with the kids,

weekends, i 100% with them

it comes at a price, my career

 

at the end of the day, when you die, will your office miss you more or your family

my boss teach me one

 

[Mustank]

If you die, your employer will just send a wreath, say thank you, bye bye and hire another fella to take over. No emotional impact at all.

 

some years back, our hr manager up lorry

now in office who can remember her?

thats why my boss told me that

[Mustank]

did your child get tire of seeing you so early at home everyday? [laugh]

 

well, somebody got to do the teachings you know

[Beehive3783]

some years back, our hr manager up lorry

now in office who can remember her?

thats why my boss told me that

Wow I didn't need someone in my office to up lorry to find that out. It's spreading everywhere on facebook. Lol.

[Jman888]

well, somebody got to do the teachings you know

 

 

my wife do the coaching of homework, i am quite redundant at home [laugh]

[Jman888]

You have to take drastic action already if you ask me. Move out. Start cutting down on time spend at work and increase substantially amount of time spent moulding your daughter. Earn $ all the time, in the end have to pay this price, worth or not?

 

 

that was his house!!

 

ok before anyone say the MIL is bad, like other mentioned she is going a thankless job. If she is not strict and discipline the daughter, all will blame her if the daughter skip class, bully classmate, disrespect teacher or adult, messy b/g relationship, etc.

 

I believe the grandmom still love the grand daughter though she punish her, its tough love.

[Beehive3783]

that was his house!!

 

ok before anyone say the MIL is bad, like other mentioned she is going a thankless job. If she is not strict and discipline the daughter, all will blame her if the daughter skip class, bully classmate, disrespect teacher or adult, messy b/g relationship, etc.

 

I believe the grandmom still love the grand daughter though she punish her, its tough love.

But this kind of strict discipline will burn out the child leh. Sooner or later she will have mental breakdown.

[Greggywong]

As much as I empathise with you, you should take the blame for sacrificing your career for your daughter. What do you expect from your daughter when she was single handily brought up by your MIL. Did you ask your MIL whether she "enjoyed" taking care of your daughter while you guys were outstation or building your own career? Maybe your MIL will tell you that if you do not have the time to take care of your child, you shouldn't even had given birth to her. No offense

 

Likewise for me, I sacrificed getting a higher paying job (even though my wife's pay is more than mine) so that I can leave office at 530pm from my current job, pick up my kids, feed my kids, interact with them. My friends who have higher paying job asked me why I do not want to move on in my career with my qualification.

I told them I can't leave everything to my parents who are also staying with me, I should be the one carrying the "burden" of bringing up my kids, not my parents. Even then if I am to meet my friends, I will only meet them after I had tucked my kids to sleep. It is the little things in life that your kids will remember for a life time. They will know that you are always there for them when anything good or bad happens.

 

[Zacxaviqer]

ok before anyone say the MIL is bad, like other mentioned she is going a thankless job. If she is not strict and discipline the daughter, all will blame her if the daughter skip class, bully classmate, disrespect teacher or adult, messy b/g relationship, etc.

 

I believe the grandmom still love the grand daughter though she punish her, its tough love.

 

 

This is the predicament that I'm in. My wife told me that we should appreciate that there are someone to help us to take care of the child while we are at work.... Not as if the MIL abuse our daugther.

 

But then again, I felt that something is wrong when the father of the child gets overrules by the grandma and daugther thinks that grandma is right all the time.

[Pklim82]

But this kind of strict discipline will burn out the child leh. Sooner or later she will have mental breakdown.

 

i second that.. too strict may lead to the kid being anti social and only fear but no respect for the adults. maybe TS can consider childcare or a nanny?

[Pklim82]

This is the predicament that I'm in. My wife told me that we should appreciate that there are someone to help us to take care of the child while we are at work.... Not as if the MIL abuse our daugther.

 

But then again, I felt that something is wrong when the father of the child gets overrules by the grandma and daugther thinks that grandma is right all the time.

 

its not only wrong but ultimately unacceptable. SI WA BUEY LOON ARH~~~~