Sharing of Good Jokes

[countach]

lol bookmarked! good thread

[Sabretan]

A funny pic to kick start the weekend

Edited July 22, 2017 by Sabretan

[QQ2017]

   

 

 

https://www.facebook.com/feedipage/videos/274000333082074/

[Atrecord]

   

 

 

https://www.facebook.com/feedipage/videos/274000333082074/

 

吓 死 人 马！

[Blueray]

Happy Sunday evening all. 

[archcherub]

A funny pic to kick start the weekend

 

lol. i think its worth pressing it to get a punch haha

[Carbon82]

I didn't know this joke has so many version, but this one sounds the best. Sorry, the article cannot be translated as the joke itself lies with the Chinese words / phrase.

 

第一天，一富翁正在遛狗，一個殺手從草叢裡竄出來，啪啪兩槍把狗打死了。

富翁大怒︰「你殺我的狗幹什麼？」

殺手冷笑一聲︰「有人花五百萬，讓我取你的狗命！」

富翁看了一眼殺手，激動地握住他的手說︰「你的國文老師是誰 ？我祝他中秋節快樂！」

 

 

第二天，殺手再次從草叢中竄出來，搶走了富翁的手機。

富豪說︰你搶我幹嘛？

殺手說︰因為又有人出一千萬，要讓我取你的手機（首級）！

買尬~這是哪位老師教的發音？

富翁激動地握住他手說︰你的國文老師到底是誰？我要給他發個大紅包！

 

 

第三天，晚上下起了雨，富豪覺得此乃天意，逃命要緊，拿了一把大傘想悄悄溜出門，誰知剛到後門口，殺手又冒出來啦！

殺手：我的主人真是神機妙算，就知道你會拿傘出來，他今天都不想跟我說話，直接給我張紙條，叫我來拿你的傘！

說完殺手奪過了傘, 拋下紙條揚長而去。

富豪撿起一看，是殺手主人憤筆的狂草︰不要手機，要他的命！

天吶？《傘》和《命》兩個字，未免差太多了吧！

富豪直接就跪下了︰恩師啊，您在哪啊？！

 

 

第四天，殺手再次從草叢中竄出來，拿了桶水潑向富翁。

富翁說：你潑我水！害我全濕了！要幹嘛？

殺手說：因為有人又出兩千萬，要看到你全屍（濕）。

結束了嗎？不，還有呢！

 

 

第五天，富翁在蹲廁所，正準備要沖水時，殺手從窗戶一躍而進，大喊：停！

迅速取走富翁馬桶內的黃金屎。

殺手：有人出三千萬，要你死（屎）.... 。

 

 

第六天，殺手把富翁家的化糞池炸了，富翁很生氣的問他你幹嘛炸了我的化糞池？
殺手說：「有人出四千萬要你死無葬身之地！」

 

 

第七天，富翁去廟裡拜拜，殺手又衝出來，拿了尊閻王像給富翁看。

殺手：有人出四千萬，要讓你見閻王....。

 

 

第八天，富翁到公園散步，殺手又衝出來再富翁面前舖地毯。

殺手：有人出 五千萬，要讓你一路好走！

 

 

第九天早上，富翁在床上睡覺，殺手將所有的門窗用木板封死，無法透光進去。富翁醒了問殺手：你為什麼要封住我家。殺手：有人出四千萬要你看不到明天的太陽。

 

 

第十天，.........富翁在外面散步，一如往常，殺手還是跳出來，可是今天殺手什麼都沒做，反倒是跟富翁邊走邊聊了起來，兩人聊了很多，也不知不覺往山上走去，當到達山的頂端時，殺手突然跟富翁說，我們就聊到這吧，我要下山去領錢了。

富翁不解問殺手這次的任務是什麼？

殺手說：這次的任務就是有人花兩千萬要送你上山頭。

 

 

第十一天，神奇的是，殺手又出現了，跑去和富翁要臉書帳號，因為有人出一億要富翁「非死不可」。

 

 

第十二天，殺手拿毛筆趁富翁熟睡時在他身上寫滿了「血」字，然後一直拍照存証，驚醒了富翁。

不等富翁開口。

殺手說：「俺又來了，這次有人又出錢兩千萬 要看到你全身是血。」

 

 

第十三天，殺手拿著一個禮盒給富翁，富翁打開，禮盒內是一顆子彈，殺手對富翁說：老闆說要送給你的一顆子彈。

 

 

第十四天，殺手又到了富翁家，只見他拿出一本書大聲朗讀，富翁問：你又在幹嘛？

殺手冷冷的說：我正在讀死你……

 

 

第十五天，這個殺手又從花圃竄出來，獻上兩朵鮮花別在富翁的腦袋和屁股上。

富翁說：你要幹嘛？

殺手回說：有人出錢要讓你的腦袋和屁股都開花。

 

 

第十六天，富翁傍晚在外面散步，一如往常，殺手還是跳出來，馬上將富翁套上頭套，嘴塞布條，五花大綁，一路被馬車載著狂奔，富翁心想這下完蛋，結果凌晨到了一個四周盡是吳儂軟語的地方，富翁被解開束縛，發現身在市場的攤子上，看到眼前一堆鴨蛋，殺手開口說:快給我好好賣蛋，有人花三千萬要讓你到蘇州賣鴨蛋！

 

 

第十七天，富翁正準備離家不再回來，忽然跳出來三個殺手，把東，北，南方向去路擋住…

富翁不解，問”你們為什麼擋住三邊？”

領頭的哈哈大笑，説”我們收了3千萬，要送你歸西！

趕快走吧！我們好回去交差…”

 

 

第十八天，富翁忠于氣絕，一命嗚呼，因為有人只花了十七天就賺進了大把的銀子...

 

真是無敵殺手阿！殺手獲業界至尊無上的榮耀。

 

如果你觉得殺手时个白痴，你就大错特错，他可是个天才，不用杀人照样有钱赚。

 

[Uncle2]

*MEN: WHO THEY LOVE MOST*

 

_*1.THE EUROPEAN MEN:*_

They have 1 wife and 1 girlfriend but they love their wife most.

 

_*2. THE AMERICAN MEN:*_

They have 1 wife and 1 girlfriend but they love their girlfriend the most.

 

_*3. THE INDIAN MEN:*_

They have 1 wife and 4 girlfriends but they love their mother the most.

 

_*4. THE ARAB MEN:*_

They have 4 wives and 1 Girlfriend. But they love their Maid the most.

 

_*5. THE CHINAMEN:*_

They have 1 wife and several mistresses but love their money the most.

 

_*6. THE MALAY UNMO MEN:*_

They have 1 official wife, 1 second wife and 2 other secret wives they wed in Thailand or Batam, but they love the Prime Minister the most. ❤

[Atrecord]

[Uncle2]

One Bangla showed up at a Toyota showroom, took out $2,000 and told the salesman, "Give me a Camry". The salesman was shocked and said, "Bro, your money not enough". The Bangla raised his voice and said, "Look at your advertisement outside, it is written as "Camry 2000".

 

The salesman calmly replied, "Bro, you go out, turn right to the showroom next door, it's much cheaper, "BMW 525"!!!

[Still2016]

*TODAY SOMEBODY DECIDED TO CAUSE TROUBLE!!!*

 

She went to a RESTAURANT and after seeing every table being occupied by couples, she took out her phone and made a very loud phone call, saying,

 

"My friend, your husband is here with another woman just come and see"

 

Nine men DISAPPEARED!!

 

[AltisOwner]

Here to share some jokes :)

Mom & 3 Newly Married Daughters

A mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married around the same time, so she called them after the weddings and told them to text her their experiences with their husbands and to be discreet, to text in code.

After a week, the 1st daughter texted:

"NESCAFE"

The mother checked the packaging for Nescafe and smiled when she read: "Fantastic till the last drop".

The next week, the 2nd daughter texted:

“MARLBORO"

The mother went to her husband's pack of MARLBORO cigarettes and smiled broadly when she read "Extra long, king size".

Another week passed, the 3rd daughter texted:

"SIA SIN-KL"

The mother then called the SIA helpdesk to enquire about their SIN-KL flights and they replied:

"Madam, it's 4 times daily; 7 days a week; both ways; and the duration is 45 mins".

The mother fainted.

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Don't anyhow see.........

 

 

At the pharmacy, for rubbers

Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist

"Hello, could you give me condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as peter was going out he returns and says,"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike a luck there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as Peter was leaving again he turns back and says "Give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move.

During dinner,peter sat with his girlfriend on d left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the Dad walks in, Peter lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer."Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all u've given us".
10minutes after, peter was still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ...."

Ten minutes go by, and peter is still praying, keeping his head down, very close to d table. They all looked at each other surprised, and his girlfriend was even more surprised than others. She gets close to him and whispered, "I didn't know u r so religious."

Peter with his head still on d table replies, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"

 

 

Chinese quack medic?

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh... this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

Tricky, or smart Chinese?

[Still2016]

[Mustank]

Which car when nobody inside has the noisiest in the world?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mai bio

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mai bio ah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Datsun366]

 

[QQ2017]

   

[Atrecord]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

 

There was a sign on the cage that said Rs.50/-

 

"Why so cheap?" she asked the pet store owner.

 

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

 

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."

 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's really not so bad."

 

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,"New house, new madam, new girls."

 

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

 

Moments later, the woman's husband Subramaniam came home from work.

 

The Bird Looked at Him & Said, "Hi Subramaniam"