Parental advice

[Yeshe]

It's wasn't the convenience option that we took. It's the only way out. Unless we hired a maid to look after her which my MIL immediately brushed it off and volunteer her service.

 

Even having a maid to take care of my daugther would not make any difference since my MIL will still be spending more time with my daugther.

 

Of course there is another way out which is one of us actually quit our job and take care of her full time... but how many Singapore couple are doing that right now?

 

u would be surprised. i have alot of friends who have their wives staying at home to take care of their kids.

[Nzy]

If the child spends most of the time with their grandparents then its normal that they will listen to their grandparents more. After I had my first child my wife also quit and became and housewife. I switched to a job with flexible working hours so I was able to work from home as well.

 

I think quite alot of families have at least one parent who is at home. At my child's school we can see that more than half the children have their mothers there to fetch them to school and back home everyday.

Edited June 18, 2013 by Nzy

[Silver_blade]

There are also quite a few stay-home-dad that I know of. Think there are few in MCF too.

[Jman888]

The daily tutition only started in June. Previously was always once a week.

 

 

is your daughter taking PSLE this year?

[Zacxaviqer]

I am a father of two girls and i have been there every step of the way for my children.

The difference is the age between your girl and mine. But understand this ( i think you do) Humans are creatures of conditioning. Your daughter has been conditioned all these years by her Granny.

To her, her Granny is Authority with a capital A. You and your wife are authourity with a small A at best.

 

My most rational advice is this. And you have to do it asap if thats what you really want.

Do not quarrel with your MIL on your own. speak to your wife so that both of you have a common understanding and consensus to the way forward. This is crucial. If your wife disagrees, it will make it very difficult for you. Only afterwhich do you speak to your MIL , not so much as son or daughter of MIL but more as Father and Mother of your child.

 

I am a traditional male chauvenist in the sense that the man of the house must be the man of the house considering simple logic as well as the feelings of the related parties. We need to do what we need to do and it starts from day one. This does not mean raising of voices but it means being firm and very clear of the resulting consequences.

 

As mentioned humans can be conditioned.

Therefore its a question of who gets conditioned first.

 

The responsibility of disciplining your child rest upon you and your wife.

Thank your MIL for what she has done but it is time you and your wife take over.

Explain to her that the child is coming of age and cannot be treated like a 3 or 5 yr old anymore.

Let her know firmly what your wishes are with regards to this situation.

Worse come to worst, set your rules as Man of the house

(i do that when i have to and no one says otherwise, not my wife, my in laws nor my own parents)

Its a choice of the lesser evil in view of the big picture sometimes.

 

Most importantly, father and mother must impart values through words and action.

Talk to your child, i am sure she already has the ability to grasp concepts.

It must be known that any decision made is not a question of siding or who is right or wrong becos often there is no right or wrong.

 

In short, get your MIL to tell your daughter to get her parents permission first and foremost.

Only in absolute absence, can she be the stand in.

No two ways.

 

Start conditioning , or accept being conditioned.

 

Your move, dude.

 

 

 

 

Ps. At the end of the day, you could be over reacting. We cannot and wouldnt know just by reading your post here, really

 

 

Thank you for yr advice. Really appreciate it.

 

I've tried setting ground rule for small little things for my daugther. When I'm around without her grandma, she will follow it to a T but when her Grandma is around and since her Grandma never set such ground rules for her before, she conveniently forget what I told her and continue her old ways. I cannot told her off because my MIL is doing the same thing as well and my daugther was merely following her actions...

 

For example, burping loudly at the dining table, when I'm around without the grandma, she will not burp loudly but when my MIL is there and she is burping out loudly too, I cannot tell my daugther not to do that because my MIL is doing it as well...

 

 

[Zacxaviqer]

I sorry to say this, ts is a loser

To see all his posts in this thread

I really doubt he do well in his career

 

 

In what way am I a loser??

 

 

[Mustank]

[Jman888]

[laugh] my son always sing this song if i ignore him

 

 

[Zacxaviqer]

the only solution now is going to be tough and definitely will strain the relationship with your MIL.

1) move out of the house n get your own place to stay.

 

Who is going to take care of the poor ger?

 

The MIL will still stay with us. This is our home. If we move out without my MIL, who will take care of my MIL??? She got no1 to turn to.

 

2) update the school on the primary caretaker status

 

No use..parents are not keen on the ger's studies but rather watch tv while the ger is in her room doing her homework.

 

It's the school holidays and she has been doing her studies in the afternoon. I was aking her to take a breather and watch her fave TV for an hour. Pls do not judge!

 

3) inform your MIL that you are taking over the parenting with immediate effect

 

MIL will tell him that she does a better job than her son in law

 

I will probably agree with this

 

4) you or your wife have to compensate for all the lost time with your daughter for the past 10yrs, maybe one of you be stay home mum or dad?

 

They are career minded...so this option is never going to happen

 

Let me put it to you. How many Singapore can afford to stay at home and take care of the kid by themselves?? My guess is not many.

 

[BlueOldMan]

In what way am I a loser??

 

Sorry to use this term

 

You just cant handle your own family

Am i wrong to say that? Your wife, MIL and kid all dun fully respect you??

[Zacxaviqer]

I see no parent or dad is worst than him in mcf liao

 

 

Elaborate???

[BlueOldMan]

my wife is a stay home mum who is taking care of our children together with my MIL. for me, although i m working, i reject all regional jobs or jobs that requires to travel frequently. i believe strongly in spending quality time with my family and its those time that will never be experienced again once its over.

 

my MIL on the other hand although helps to take care of our children, does not interfere with our parenting of our kids as we have firmly define the responsibilities. in fact, all grandparents tend to spoil the kid instead of discipline the kid, this is the only problem i have in my family.

 

I very agree this growing up stage needs alot of love and family time

If we spend enuff time with our family, they will respect us and listen to our plans

 

Grand parents can only help us to take care n play with them

its parents responsiblity to teach n guide their own children

children good or bad all is parents doing

 

cant blame granny cant blame teachers

[Mustank]

[laugh] my son always sing this song if i ignore him

 

the you must take out guitar and play this

 

 

no meaning one

just nice song

[Zacxaviqer]

Sorry to use this term

 

You just cant handle your own family

Am i wrong to say that? Your wife, MIL and kid all dun fully respect you??

 

 

Who says they don't?

 

I could fought it out with my MIL if I want to. I could cancel my daugther daily tuition if I want to but at the end of the day, my wife and my daugther hoped for harmony in the household that why I swallowed my anger.

 

I have a huge fight with my MIL in the past and I realised that after the fight, there were many more things that were kept away from us because my MIL simply refuse to tall to us at all... My daugther, also kept quiet because she dun wan the relationship between me and MIL to worsen...

 

My MIL is domineering and if I go head on with her, there will be no peace.

[BlueOldMan]

There are also quite a few stay-home-dad that I know of. Think there are few in MCF too.

 

 

Im not a stay home dad but my hours are flexible

my wife used to cook for us when kid 0-3yo

after my wife changed job till she can only rch home at 6+

i learn n cook for my wife n child for past 3 years

Quality time, quality love, quality food

wife n son appreciate and they will naturally love n respect

 

This is family planning, husband n wife plan whats best for the family

 

[Zacxaviqer]

sometimes we ve to salute to the caregiver. Children nowadays is also under alot of pressure which they may not know and we dont see it on the surface.

It really sad to say that children in singapore have to go through an education which can be tough if kids cannot chiong.

 

If you really can afford,make the original mum the homemaker and you will be peace of mind under your own house. You are writing this which I think a new

lifestyle is needed before any breakdown. Play & work definitely have to be separated in today's world.

 

I am curious to know the age of your MIL.

 

 

She is 59...

[BlueOldMan]

Who says they don't?

 

I could fought it out with my MIL if I want to. I could cancel my daugther daily tuition if I want to but at the end of the day, my wife and my daugther hoped for harmony in the household that why I swallowed my anger.

 

I have a huge fight with my MIL in the past and I realised that after the fight, there were many more things that were kept away from us because my MIL simply refuse to tall to us at all... My daugther, also kept quiet because she dun wan the relationship between me and MIL to worsen...

 

My MIL is domineering and if I go head on with her, there will be no peace.

 

Bro, sad to tell you if they respect you, theres no need to fight it out

[BlueOldMan]

She is 59...

 

My PIL is in their 60s

We also have differences in way of teaching kids

I dun have to fight with them

i jus say what my son should do, even if my PIL dun agree

My wife n SILs will tell their parents, im teaching my son

dun interfere

 

They agree thats y they understand n stand by what we r doing

thats mutual respect